The John Braun Page

Your Work on Earth

2011-05-17T09:30:00.006-06:00

Hi Dadaloo. I called your work again today. This time I talked to Brenda, not just some guy who never even knew you. She thinks your stuff may all still be there hanging on the walls in your office.

As soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears. Poor Brenda. I couldn't even explain why. Maybe because it was nice to hear the voice of someone who knew you and loved you too, because I remember calling you at work and talking to her, because she said they had all just been talking about you this week, because she asked about the boys and it reminded me of how proud you were of them and how many stories you made them listen to about them, because I know that you still had it in your head that you were going to go back to work there.

Or maybe because it reminded me that you were here. You were here and now you're not and I miss you so bad. And because if I go down there to get your stuff I know the pictures of the boys will be of them so young, and there won't be any of Abbey and Hannah. Or Nathaniel. And it hurts that you've missed so much already.

Probably because of all of those things all at once. But now I can't stop crying.

It still seems like a huge mistake that you're not here with us. Working for a living. Coming home with crazy stories about something the new guy did. And putting up new pictures of your grandkids in your office at the grain terminal.

Sad

2011-02-15T23:32:00.005-06:00

I really thought we'd bring you home Dad. I had this scared feeling all the time that this might be the last... Time at our house, time you drove away... All kinds of times. But I always told myself I was being silly, that we'd bring you home from Seattle. At least that.

And it bothers me so much that we didn't. I feel like somehow we let you down. I know you wanted to come home so badly. I know you stayed and fought for us. But I remember you crying at the hospital the day before you died when we talked about you coming home. And I know you'd tell me that I'm being ridiculous, feeling bad that you didn't get to come home one last time, when you're home forever now. It bothers me so much though.

All of that time bothers me, the time after you left for Seattle. It bothers me that sometimes I cut short our phone calls because I couldn't think of anything to say. And it bothers me that I didn't come out earlier because I didn't have enough money to do two trips. It bothers me that I didn't bring Ben, because I know you wanted to see him. It bothers me SO MUCH that Mom and I went grocery shopping the night I got to Seattle. I wasted that first day we got there, and after that you were so sick that I couldn't really talk to you. I want all that time back.

And I want to be able to bring you home. Even though your body came home I feel like we left you behind in Seattle. I wish I could go back there and get you. I want you back so badly.

I miss you. I want my dad.

Birthday Wishes

2011-01-08T12:55:00.006-06:00

It's your birthday. It makes me think of all your other birthdays.

The ones you had when you were just a little guy, excited to be another year older. The first ones you had with Mom, before all of us started coming along. The ones when we were bratty teenagers and didn't even remember. The ones when we were slightly less bratty adults, and you were healthy and we all knew there were tons more ahead of us, and we got you silly cards. The one when you turned the big five oh, and we surprised you with a great big party in the "forest".
Look how young and tall you look! (Stupid cancer.)

And then the ones when you were sick, and we hated to think it, but it was always there in the backs of our minds, "This might be the last." It makes me sad that you never finished watching your last birthday present. Which is lame, I know, because of all the things you didn't get to finish... Videos are lame. But I remember that birthday, and I wasn't there, but the rest of you all went out for supper, and Noah ate lots of spaghetti I'm told.

And I miss you so much. I miss taking for granted that you would always be there. Oh man, I miss that. And I miss not staring at your brothers and wondering how I could kidnap them and brainwash them to think that they are my kids' grampas. And I miss hugging you. I would give anything for a hug from you, I think about it all the time, and I shouldn't, because it opens everything up again and turns a healing scar into a gaping wound.

And right now, when I'm not having a very good day, I miss being able to call you or see you and somehow you make it feel better, usually by being a bit of a brat. I miss that.

Today for your birthday, I wish Gramma could make you some chicken noodle soup for lunch and you would call me and slurp it on the phone to bug me. And then you would go out for dinner and I would call you and say I wish I was there, and you would brag about how much time you are spending holding Nathaniel because I'm not there to fight over him with you. (Baby hog.) And then you'd call me from Aunty Susan's hot tub to brag some more, and I'd laugh and hang up on you.

Because, after all, I'd probably talk to you tomorrow when I called Mom to talk about whatever it is Mom and I talk about. (Farm Town probably.)

I'm sure you're having a great birthday, and I'm sure if you could, you'd call me from heaven and brag about the noodles and cake Mavis made for you, and maybe eat a garden cucumber really loudly to rub it in that it's winter here and you can have cucumbers fresh from the garden whenever you want...

But even thinking of all that, I can't help but wish you were here, so that I could tell you, even just over the phone, "Happy birthday Dad. I love you all day, all night, all day, all night, all day, all night... A lot."

Dear Dad

2011-01-01T01:05:00.001-06:00

Another new year and I think of you all the time. Miss you so much.

Remembrance Day

2010-11-11T18:36:00.009-06:00

Today Angela and I observed remembrance Day. Not only did we remember those who gave so much to our country in war but we most of all remembered you, the one who gave us so much in life. As well as that, we remembered the trenches. We were there with you in that horrible war that took you away from us. All of us who loved you so much each have memories of that battle that we fought right along side of you. Each of us have scars and wounds that we will have for the rest of our days, yet here we are, we live on but we will never forget.

You can see our reflections as if they have been etched into the stone as if we had become a part of the epitaph. In truth we are. We were such a part of who you were just as you were such a part of who we are. In this way you will always be remembered. You will always be a part of who were are. Time itself can not erase this. You will always be remembered by us and when we are gone and time has removed all of us who remember you, we will be with you.

O God, Our Help In Ages Past
Isaac Watts (1674-1748)

O God, our help in ages past, Our hope for years to come,
our shelter from the stormy blast and our eternal home.

Before the hills in order stood or earth received her frame,
from everlasting thou art God, to endless years the same.

A thousand ages in Thy sight are like an evening gone,
short as the watch that ends the night before the rising sun.

Time like an ever rolling stream bears all its sons away,
they fly forgotten as a dream dies at the op'ning day.

O God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come,
be Thou our guard while troubles last and our eternal home.

Amen

There Is A Hole In My Heart

2010-09-03T00:05:00.005-06:00

As September rolls in, I am reminded of you and our last fun days and then the suffering that followed. I am so glad that we had that time together. All that is left are the memories and this big gaping hole. I miss you so much it hurts.

Wishes

2010-08-10T23:52:00.003-06:00

Hi Dad,

A year ago we said goodbye. You held Ben and Sam that morning for the last time. And you hugged me, I tried not to cry, but I did a little. You cupped the back of my head and pressed my face into your shoulder and you tried not to cry too. I remember. And I remember trying to tell myself it would be okay. That you would be back. And I watched you drive around the corner in your car for the last time.

Later I went into your house and when I walked in the door I saw your blanket and pillow still out on the couch, just the way you had left it, just the way it always was when you watched TV and fell asleep with the remote in your hand and an iced tea on the floor beside you... It was there waiting for when you came back, and I lay on it and cried. And then I carefully rolled it up and put it away. I told myself I was being dumb. That you would be back to use it, and it wouldn't matter if dog hair got all over it and it had to be washed. But I still rolled it up and put it away. I have it in my room now. I stole it from poor Mom, and I have it in my room still rolled up.

Passing by this day feels a little like I'm losing you again. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just knowing that I'm a whole year away from my last happy times with you. Maybe it's seeing the folders of pictures of you getting further and further away from the new folders I put on my computer. Maybe it's just me, being over-emotional and dumb, as usual.

But I ache for just one more hug. I hurt more every day it seems. Every day that goes by without you calling to eat cucumbers on the phone to bug me, or listen to Ben's latest story, or complain about how I never want to talk to you, I'm always calling for Mom.

Last night I dreamed you came home and we all went camping with you. And we were SO excited that you were back. I hated waking up this morning. I just miss you. In so many ways.

I wish you could be here so I could ask you for advice, and you could make me laugh, and you could take care of Mom, and you could be my boys' hero, and you could spoil princess Hannah, and you could go fishing with Ang, and be the guy who Jonathan and Mikey could always rely on. I wish you were here and we didn't have to face a reunion without you and we could look forward to being with our family the way we used to. I wish you could come home for the weekend the way you did in my dream. Even if it meant waking up the next day to realize you weren't here again, I wish you could come home for the weekend.

Could you maybe ask God if that would be okay? Just this once?

I think tonight I'll unroll your blanket and pillow for a while.

Dear John

2010-06-17T15:00:00.004-06:00

Dear John,

Yesterday Becky and I went to pick a memorial stone for your grave. I am glad to have this completed. It was bothering me that to date this had not been done. I am sorry that it took so long but it was very hard for me to do. I think that was because it makes things seem so much more final. As long as this last task was not completed perhaps you could still come home. It is odd how I try to trick my mind, how I try to deny the truth. Even when picking the stone both Becky and I opted to choose one that looked the least like a grave marker, you know the type, the classic RIP stone that is curved on the top. Did you know that it costs extra to have one ordered that does not curve on the top?

I am thinking that if you can read my letter and know what I have been doing that you will be a little miffed with me on how much money I spent. I know this because we talked about this very thing. I am sorry, I had to spend what I did spend to make the stone look less like it was sitting beside a haunted house.

The stone will be etched with majestic pines and has a boat and a guy fishing. It looks just like Ispachaw Lake. What wonderful times we had there. You would get up early in the morning and go out fishing. I would sleep in a little then get up and make breakfast. It was like you could smell the bacon because you would somehow get there just in time. I can picture it all. I can hear the boat motor muffled by the morning mist. I can smell the clean air. I can see you walking up the path, fish dangling on the chain and the huge smile of contentment on your face. How content we were! How truly happy. Life did not get better than that did it? Ispachaw is a magical place. Becky wants us to go there. I told her that I don't think that I can. Just thinking about our times there bring me to my knees.I don't know what being there would do to me.

We kept the inscription simple. It says: Loved A Lot We put that there because you did love everybody so much and because you were also loved a lot. We put it there because to each person, as you lay dying, you told them that over and over. It was how you said goodbye. It said to each one everything that you would have liked to say if you had been able to. It told us how proud you were of us. It told us that you did not mind the sacrifices that you made on our behalf. It told us that you enjoyed being with us every minute that you were and that you did not want to leave. It told us how sorry you were to know the pain we would have to endure. You showed us the very face of love. It was your face. We say back to you: We love you a lot. We love you a lot. We love you a lot. That will never change.

Popsicles and Cuddles

2010-05-31T00:28:00.008-06:00

I took this video in the last few minutes of the last time Dad was here at our house. I remember watching him and Mom drive away afterwards. And crying in the driveway. I always cried when they left. Even before Dad got sick. I'm like that. I can't help it.

Now I'm sitting on the couch in the same spot he was sitting and I still find it completely incomprehensible that he's not here and he won't be coming here again ever. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach whenever I think of him and everything we've lost...

All those wonderfully ordinary moments that everyone else gets to take for granted.

Dear Dad

2010-05-28T16:36:00.003-06:00

Fridays are the worst days for me. Right after work, when I get home. I bottle things up all week, to make it through and then I come home every Friday after work and cry. I look at pictures, and watch videos and lay on the couch until I fall asleep. I had a message saved on my voice mail that you left once when you were in the hospital. I think you were bored.

"Angie-weiner, are you there? Let me hear your voice."

I kept the message for as long as I had that number. I thought that one day I might not be able to hear yours and this would be my only way. I don't have it anymore and all I want right now is to chat and hear your voice.

I just sit here and cry and think, I just can't believe this happened. This isn't happening, this didn't happen, how did this happen.

It's just not fair.

Missing You

2009-12-09T16:04:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to post this for a while, and today seems like the day to do it, so for those of you who weren't there, and even those who were...

John Braun left the loving arms of his family to rest in the loving arms of his heavenly Father on Friday October 9, 2009 at the age of 56. He was born in Swan Plain on January 8, 1953 to Abe and Mary Braun. He grew up in the Saskatoon area with nine brothers and sisters, and a large and very close extended family, which made for a boisterous and happy childhood full of love. He met the love of his life, Christine Newson, in 1970 and immediately proceeded to charm her socks off. She was attracted to his love of adventure, his sense of humor, and his sweet nature. They were married June 22, 1974 and immediately got busy filling their home with their four children Becky, Jonathan, Michael, and Angela; creating yet another boisterous and happy home. John was an excellent father whose children filled his heart with joy. He always had time for a wrestle, a hug, or whisker rub.

John worked in the grain handling industry, and spent almost 30 years working at what is now Viterra in Saskatoon. He was involved in his community through coaching, and recreational sports, and he was a member of the Martensville Alliance Church family. He made many dear friends wherever he went and was loved by all, even people he barely knew. He always had time for others and was happy to lend a helping hand. He was a handy guy to have around.

John loved fishing, golf, camping, canoeing, football, tools, and the Maple Leafs, but his biggest love of all was just being a Grampa to Benjamin, Noah, Samuel, Abigail, and Hannah. He was Grampa Extraordinaire, and he lit up with happiness whenever he was with any of them.

John was a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and his greatest desire was that God's love would be made manifest in his life. Which it was.

We love you a lot, we love you a lot, we love you a lot...

I'm Watching You

2009-12-01T17:20:00.000-06:00

This is the song that John's brother David wrote and sang at the memorial service. He has now recorded it. It is beautiful. It does make me cry every time I hear it. I am not at the place, like the lyrics say that I won't cry so much but laugh instead. It almost seems that as the days go by, I cry more and more.

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John used to say all the time: "I love you more. I love you today, tomorrow and forever."

From Trav

2009-11-29T21:36:00.001-06:00

so, i've been visting the john braun page quite regularily since... yeah. i still hate saying it. i still hate thinking that i played guitar at his funeral. i hate that word. it's ugly. it's so final. i didn't even use it at all until becky asked me if i could play. anyways, that's not what this is supposed to be about. this is supposed to be about memories i have about one of the greatest men to ever grace this earth. i shared a few on my blog on my rememberance day post, and i'll likely over lap that a bit, just with more detail. one of my favorite memories was when i gave him his shirt. i remember how hard mike, uncle john, and i laughed. it was a riot. i'll explain. i had just gotten married about two weeks before this happened. on our honeymoon we headed out west and made our way up and down vancouver island. in our first couple days on the island some friends of ours decided to take us out to do some salmon fishing. well, i won't bore you all with the fish story, although i'm sure uncle john would make me tell it, but i caught a 48 lb chinook salmon. which is a very large fish. knowing full well that this was the biggest fish that anybody i knew had caught, the very first thing i did was grab my cell phone. steve barry, who was also a friend of uncle john's and the guy who had taken us fishing, moved the boat so i could get a cell signal for the call. i dialed uncle john's number before anyone else's, knowing that he would be thrilled and choked at the same time that i caught this monster. i believe that the conversation went something like this.

uncle john (J):hello
trav (t): hey uncle john
j: hey trav
t: so, i think you're gonna hate me.
j:why in the world would i ever hate you trav?
t: because i just caught a 48 lb salmon
j: you did not. you're lying. steve put you up to this, didn't he?
t:nope, no lie, it's huge, biggest thing i've ever seen
j:you're so full of crap trav (all the while laughing of course)
t: i wishi i was uncle john, that would be the best joke ever, but i'm serious!
j: seriously? 50 lbs? no... i don't believe you
t: i'm gonna make you a shirt of this (laughing ensues)
j: no way, you're just gonna photo shop something. there's no way you caught a fish that big. (more laughing)
t: just you wait.

and that was the jist of the converstation... i had a heck of a time totally convincing him that i had landed a monster salmon. so anyways, we went and did all the stuff with the fish that we needed to do, proceeded to walmart to get a couple of white tshirts and headed back to steve and kathy's where we then made tshirts. two of them. one of them for me, with just a picture of the fish and me, the other with the same picture but with a few words added. the words, "my nephew, my hero". well, two weeks later we headed out to martensville, made a stop at his house, i knocked on the door (wearing my shirt of course). i had his shirt hidden at the time. i believe mike answered the door, and was pretty floored when he saw the picture on my shirt. uncle john then quickly made his way to the living room and also was aghast. i believe he mentioned something about wanting a picture of it. at this time i pulled out his shirt. and he laughed so hard. we all did. but the best part? he put it on. and he beamed with pride. from ear to ear. and it made me feel great. and that's what he was all about. he got that from grampa braun. he loved to make other people feel great. and he did a great job of it.

From Becky

2009-11-17T11:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Dad,

I walked to the park today. Ben rode his bike. And I missed you so much. You should have seen him Dad. He likes to ride fast now, you would be so proud. And when he rode on the gravel path his tire spun like crazy because of his training wheels. He thought it was awesome. Just like a racecar. I know you would have laughed to see it.

I ran into my friend Staci, who talked to me about the last time she saw you, on the street in front of Heather's house, working on your truck. She said you seemed so healthy and energetic. She remembers your laugh. It made me miss you more, thinking of you working on your truck just down the road from where I was sitting.

Today was hard for me. I'm not sure why. It just really was. I looked through some pictures of this summer, trying to find one in particular. Not of you actually, but of course, there you were. Holding Hannah, fishing with the boys at the zoo, holding Hannah again, driving the U-haul with Ben, and holding Hannah yet again... I know you would have laughed at all the bows I put in her hair today.

I wanted to call you and tell you about how Sammy was missing his new stuffed turtle. (It's name is Sammy the turtle.) He was very upset this morning and told me "It's nowhere to be seen!" You would have laughed at that part.

My friend Staci doesn't think that nothing will ever be wonderful again. I tried to explain to her that I know I can be happy, really joyful again. I know I can. But nothing will ever be the same kind of wonderful again without you here. Every time I get close to wonderful I know I'll wish you were here for it, so even the wonderful will hurt a little. I know she thinks that I just need time, and that I'll get there, but I won't. It's not that I won't let myself, but I know I won't.

Here's something my friend Darcie sent to me about you. I thought it summed you up completely...

I only had the pleasure of meeting your dad a couple of times, but I do remember how "welcoming' he was (even if it was your house). At the time, you were helping me out in a bind and watching my boys. Your parents were down for the weekend, and there was your dad, downstairs playing with the boys - making mine feel like they were just as deserving of his attention as his own grandsons were. I get the feeling he was like that with everyone he met.

That's why Dad. That's why nothing can be as wonderful now that you're gone. It's because you made EVERYTHING so much more wonderful when you were here. For everyone. For people who barely knew you, and SO much more for people who knew you well. We were so lucky.

And even the things you weren't here for... I could look forward to telling you about them later, I would say to myself, "I have to remember to tell Dad about that." And I'd phone you and tell you and hear you laugh, and no matter how wonderful things were without you... They were even more wonderful when I told you about them.

I miss you.

Today I miss you so much.

From Cindi

2009-11-16T19:25:00.000-06:00

Uncle John was very special to me. I remember in high school I would always wear toe socks to church and Uncle John would forever harass me about them. I kept telling him I was going to buy him some for Christmas. I don't know whether or not he believed me, but, when he opened his present from me at the Braun gathering that year, he laughed. I can still hear him laughing as he said "Oh Cynthia!" and putting on his socks. I had bought us matching ones and somewhere in my box of pictures I have a picture of us modelling our socks together.
He always called me Cynthia. There are very few people in this world who can call me that without it bugging me. Uncle John always said it in such an endearing way with a hint of a laugh in his voice. It was like we had some sort of secret inside joke that he thought of everytime we talked.

Uncle John knew how to make a person feel special. I remember going to watch Trevor play football with him. I know he went, not because he really cared obout the game, although I know he loved pretty much any football game. He went because I mattered to him. And because Trevor mattered to me, and thus mattered to him too. He told me about how he liked to sit with the opposing teams fans; how much fun he thought it was.
Uncle John loved my kids. You can't do anything that matters more to a mother than love her kids and he definitely did that. Chloe loved all the special hugs from him at church. I remember the first Sunday after having Tristan that we were both at church. He had just finished his last Saskatoon transplant and we had colds. I told him we were sick when he came to meet Tristan but he said I don't care, give me that boy. He hugged him close and said, "Oh Cynthia, he's just beautiful!"

I don't know how to end this, so I'll leave it with this.

I love you Uncle John

From Margaret

2009-11-13T20:14:00.000-06:00

I dreamed a few nights ago and John was in it for just a few "frames?" but it reminded me when I woke up about how John became such a great Dad. So I will share the memory.

We were living on the farm. I think it was our first winter there so I would have been 12 and John would have been 15 or just turned 16. It had melted enough for the ditches to be filled with water and then we had a cold snap so all the ditches were covered with ice. We all had skates and went skating along the ditches. We got quite far from home, possibly 2 or 3 miles, when I realized that my feet were cold. The others all wanted to keep going, but John came home with me. We were about half way home when my feet stopped hurting and I told John we could go back if he wanted. he said that we needed to get home and get my skates off. So we did. About 10 minutes after we got home, my feet started to hurt. They hurt so bad I was crying. Since Mom and Dad weren't home John took care of me. He got a basin of water and sat down and rubbed my feet with his hands in the water until they were thawed.

Even before John became a man, he had qualities that showed him to be a good husband and father later in life.

From David

2009-11-12T14:47:00.000-06:00

When I found out I was the going to be the donor I was very honoured and glad. Everyone was hoping that it would be me because I was the youngest and would therefore have the strongest and healthiest stem cells which would then give John the best possible chance at beating the cancer. It turned out that it didn't really make any difference at all. The cancer mutated and there was nothing that could be done. So from one point of view, me going to Seattle and doing the donation was kinda pointless. All I really did was throw smoke at a monster. I choose to look at it differently. The time that I spent there is something that I wouldn't trade for anything. Most of the days there I didn't really see John and Chris much till around 4:00 in the afternoon. I would walk to the clinic in the morning, do my blood work and then go and get my stem cell growth shots. After that I was free to wander the city. Which quickly became slightly boring.

John was usually in appointments all morning and then would go home for lunch and a nap. Then back to the clinic for a bit in the afternoon most of the time. I would usually head over at around 3 or 4 and we would sit and watch Mash for a bit. John hated commercials and would always mute the TV during them. Then we would start talking and he would forget that he had done it and the show would come back on and he would sit and watch with no sound and then suddenly realize this and laugh and turn the sound back on. We would have supper and then watch some more TV and visit until around 8:00 and then he would start getting tired, then he would drive me back to the hotel for the night.

I know it doesn't sound very exciting, but it was great. Just visiting and laughing together. Chris got sooooo sick of Mash. I will never be able to watch that show or hear that theme song without thinking of him.

We would often go up on the rooftop deck and watch the boats in the harbour with his binoculars. We would take turns and point out the fanciest and biggest yachts we could find. When we went out on the sailboat tour of the harbor we got to see them a little closer. It was great standing out on the deck of the boat with the wind and rain blowing in our faces. We didn't do it once the boat turned around and went into the wind though. Then it was just a little to cold. We were, after all, "just a couple of stubble jumpers and not old sea dogs" he told me.

These are the memories that I treasure and the reason that, to me, the whole trip was not a waste.

I wrote this song after John left us. I know that he is in heaven and he is watching over us all. I miss you brother...I love you forever.

From Carrie

2009-11-11T18:51:00.000-06:00

I remember being little. In some ways, I think this is when I knew my Uncle John the best.

He and my dad worked together at the grain elevator. Most of my interactions with him were sort of a result of a relationship with my parents, but it never felt that way. I always felt important to him. I loved the few times when we would pick up my dad or visit him at work, and Uncle John would be there. He had the best laugh and the best smile. I just loved seeing my Uncle John.

I think probably my fondest memories of him are talking to him on the phone. He would call to talk to my dad, but when I answered, I got to talk to him, too. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I can't remember anything that we specifically talked about; but I remember kneeling in the chair next to the counter on the old corded phone when I talked to him, and especially how much I enjoyed it. And I always had the feeling that he genuinely enjoyed it, too. He wasn't just humoring me. It was never just a "Hey, how're you doing? Great, can I talk to your dad?" He always took the time because he cared. He WANTED to talk to me. He loved me. And I loved him.

That's what it all measures up to: LOVE.

He just had so much love in his heart, for his family, for his friends, for everyone. For Jesus. It was all just so genuine.

He measured his life in love.

From Jen

2009-11-11T18:33:00.000-06:00

I remember when we were kids I was often worried about my parents dying. So one day I asked them what would happen to us if that ever happened. Mom told us if it ever did happen that we would come and live with Uncle John and Auntie Chris. I of course mulled over this a lot and to be honest was scared and worried all the more. I did not know them that well and my cousins were all in High School already and so I did not want to go there. But as time went on and I got to know two of the best ppl in the world I knew that if it ever happened we would have been welcomed into there family and treated like one of there own. Because that is just how God made them to be. I will always cherish the moments I had with Uncle John. The hug every sunday. The happy hello. The way he treated Tommy even though Tommy wasn't even his grandkid. He was a great man, ever seeking the heart of God.

From Susan

2009-11-10T22:12:00.000-06:00

I have so many good memories of John. From the early years as kids growing up, all the card games at Westveiw Place. Camping trips, backyard fires and being able to attend church with him was a real blessing.

I will never forget this one Sunday morning in church. We were sitting at the back behind John and Chris. The worship team was playing and I looked over at John and he was singing with all his heart and as I watched he started to raise his hands just a bit at his sides. As the song continued Johns hand went higher and higher until they were stretched up as high as they could go. The tears were running down his face as he stood there in total freedom praising his Jesus. John loved his Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. As close as John was to God that day he is soo much closer now and I cannot imagine how he must be enjoying worshiping his Lord and Savior right now. Maybe with his hands raised, or bowing down before Him or sitting in his lap just getting a hug.

One thing I know is it must be sweet! and I am looking forward to someday being able to be there with him and hearing him sing his songs of love to our Jesus.

Until we meet again... I will miss you John.

From Angela

2009-11-10T00:26:00.000-06:00

A letter from Dad:

Well here you are, finally on your way. Bet you thought sometimes it wasn't going to happen. I know I sure did, but I admire you hugely. (is that a word, hugely, oh well) You set a goal and you worked hard to achieve it. Hope the butterflies have all settled and you didn't have to puke. It's bad enough when you have to do that drunk but really bad sober and in public. But you wouldn't know about that would you, not my little girl.

What could I possibly tell you that might inspire you. Sad to say I don't remember saying very many enouraging or inspiring things to you as you were growing up. But I do remember all the things I did say that might have held you back. If I could take back all the things that were not the least bit fatherly. I would in a heart beat. But I can't. The only thing I can do is try and be a better father now and ask your forgiveness.

(that's it, i am writing the rest of this with a different pen, this one kind of blotches)

So what could I say that would inspire you to run faster, or farther and not hurt to the point where you want to lay down and cry.

Here it is!! Are you ready? Have fun. As much as possible try to enjoy the race. I remember you as a kid and you were not afraid to try new things. This race is case in point. You worked hard at the things you did, but you could always remember the key ingerdient to sports and that was to enjoy yourself. You were good at gymnastics, a good skater, trumpet player. You did kind of suck at soccer, but hey it was only one sport. You did all these things and you always had lots of friends, and you enjoyed them as much, I think, as the things themselves. So have fun. I am praying for you. Enjoy the trip, STAY SAFE and come home with lots of stories and pictures. I love you and I'm proud of you.

Dad.

This is the only thing from Dad I have in writing. There are two things I love about this letter. First, each page is numbered on the top right hand corner and there are only two pages. Second, Dad was always hard on himself. He always tried to be a better father and husband. He was never satisfied with it. That's what made him great. I remember all the things he would come and watch. I would try harder, jump higher, run faster and stretch further. Then I would look over to see if he saw. The thing is dad loved me regardless...even when I sucked at soccer. Even when I did things that weren't the least bit daughterly.

There was never a grey area. It was pure and it was simple.

From Jonathan

2009-11-09T20:21:00.000-06:00

I don’t usually share on such a public forum as this. Mostly I prefer to keep my feelings and my stories close to my heart—Melissa. Although this story may not have meaning to everyone, it has deep meaning to me. Thank you for reading it, I’m sorry it is a little long for a blog.

Abigail Dawn Braun was born on January 3rd, 2009. My Dad was among a select few people to hold her minutes after she took her first breath. January 3rd was a very, very, very cold day. On the way to the hospital late that morning Melissa broke the sun visor on the passenger side when she tried to lower it to keep the sun from her eyes. That cold it just snapped off. I recall it being in the high minus 40 degrees with the wind chill—frightfully cold, close to minus 50. But I digress. The hospital staff decided to admit Melissa based on some minor contractions. We weren’t too sure anything was going to happen that day. They admitted Melissa sometime around 3:00pm. We didn’t have anything with us that day. The car seat for little Abbey, her diaper bag with the clothes that Abbey would wear home, and all the necessities for having a baby. I drove back to Borden, about ½ hour drive to retrieve these items. Big mistake. But before I left I called in the cavalry—Mom and Dad. I asked if they could come and sit with Melissa and keep her company, after all there was really nothing going on baby-wise, and besides, I’d be right back. No problem, right? Well, after I had gathered the necessary items from home, loaded the car; including some stuff for Noah and myself for the night (I also shoveled the driveway for a bit) I headed back to Saskatoon. Around Langham Melissa calls me: “They broke my water” she says. I say “what” and give the car a little more gas. I still think I’ll be alright. I make it back to the hospital; turns out I’m just in the nick of time. Mom makes a hasty exit from the room, Dad left only minutes before as Melissa started going into heavy labour. Fifteen minuscule minutes later my beautiful baby girl sucked in her first breath.

Guess who was listening right outside the door?

My Dad, listening to first cries of life of his granddaughter. Close your eyes and imagine—a middle-aged man listening at the door on a maternity wing of a hospital while a middle-aged woman is giving him the gears about how he isn’t allowed to be standing there. A grin from ear-to-ear on his face. I’m so glad I called my Mom and Dad that day. After the baby is cleaned up and the nursing staff does their examination of little Abigail they hand her back to her adoring parents. I leave the room to fetch the grandparents. Now there is no stopping him. He gets to hold his granddaughter, feel the warmth of her brand new skin against his chest, and look into her dark eyes. “Look at you” he says, “Look at you”. Perhaps God sent Dad home from Seattle; “You gotta get home John and see those girls”. This little story makes me happy. This is not a sad story, this is a happy story. I love you Dad. Thank you for teaching me about love, may mine expand and grow everyday with my family as I know yours did with yours.

From Becky

2009-11-09T14:24:00.000-06:00

I sent this to dad on October fourth at around two in the morning. Ang read it to him for me. Thanks Ang.

Hi Dad. It's late. I wish I could call you. I miss you.

This has been a bad week hey? I want you better so bad it hurts. And home. I really really want you to come home.

The thing is, you're pretty awesome. If you weren't such a great dad, if everything wasn't better with you around, if you didn't make everything seem all right, if you weren't so completely indispensable... This would be much easier.

But you are great, and everything is better with you. So you are indispensable. So please keep fighting. I know it's hard and I know you don't feel strong anymore. But you are. You're the strongest person I know and I can't imagine having to be here without you and your strength.

And I know it's awful to go through what you are going through, but you are doing it for all of us, and that makes you my hero in every way. Just like when I was a little girl and you would come to pick me up from school or wherever, and I remember so clearly feeling so proud that you were my dad. I can still see you walking across the gym towards me, so cheerful and handsome. In my little girls heart you were everything a dad should be.

I still feel proud. And all those things that make you feel weak, they only make me more proud that you are MY dad. They make you a bigger hero to me. Because you are doing this for all of us.

And Dad, no matter what happens, I will always feel that way. And I will always feel like I was the luckiest girl, just like I did when I was little. The luckiest to have a dad like you. The luckiest to hear you sing under your breath while you drive, the luckiest to listen to your lame jokes and to be teased by you, the luckiest to watch you wrestle with my boys, the luckiest to know you love me.

You are the best Dad.

I love you very much. Today and tomorrow and the next day and the day after that and the day after that.

Love, Becky

2009-10-14T18:12:00.000-06:00

Dad's funeral will be held at West Portal Mennonite Brethren Church on Monday October 19th at 1pm. There will be a lunch at West Portal following the service. The internment will be at the Osler Community Cemetery at 4pm. Friends and family are invited to gather at Martensville Alliance Church afterward for an informal time of sharing and fellowship starting at around 6pm. A potluck-style supper will be served.

Dad

2009-10-09T23:04:00.000-06:00

Dad left the arms of his loving family to rest in the arms of his loving father today at around 5:40 pm. Angela was on one side of him holding his hand, and I was holding the other and stroking his hair and singing "Be still and know that I am God" to him quietly. Mom was beside me. He gasped twice and was gone just like that.

We know he's not hurting anymore. We know he isn't sad or lonely. But we are hurting. There are no words to describe the anguish of that moment and all of the moments of letting go that led up to it. But we are together and we have family here with us to help.

I told Dad many times today that it was all right. But it's not really.

Fading

2009-10-08T14:17:00.001-06:00

Things are bad.

Dad's heart isn't doing well. He is SO tired. He keeps saying he's done and he's sorry. We tell him that there's no reason to be sorry. No one could have done this better than he has.

It may be time to let him go, but how do you let go of someone who makes your world make sense?

Ang and Johnny and Mikey are trying to get here in time. Please pray for them.

Unless there is a beam of light type miracle we are going to have to say goodbye to my dad. My brave and amazing dad who makes everything better. I wish with everything in me that I could make it better.

Very Rough Going

2009-10-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

I have not kept this page as up to date as I would have liked too. It has been very busy here and I have been either tired or distracted or both plus all the medical stuff is so very complicated it is hard for me to put into words just what is all going on.

John is in an Intensive Care room here on the eighth floor. They have Intensive Care rooms right on the ward where he is staying as opposed to being in an Intensive Care Unit. The room that John is in now is very large and almost two rooms so when I can get my hands on a cot I should be able to tuck it into my small room and hopefully get some sleep as I am able. He was brought here for a procedure that was to hopefully help his heart and blood pressure. It failed.

Becky and John's mom are here in Seattle as well. Last night we tried having mom stay the night and figured we could spell each by staying over alternate nights. We were phoned at 3:30 in the morning because John blood oxygen levels were seemingly down plus he had a bad bleed from his bone marrow biopsy site and had to have a transfusion. We got here quick as it is not a long drive and there is no traffic at that time. It turns out that his levels were not all that horrible after all. The blood gases test showed the actual levels were acceptable. He does need to be on oxygen though. He hates the mask and he hates all the lines and apparently he just pulled out a line that was in to measure things.

I have decided that the best way to do things is that I stay here all the time now with John day and night. He wants me near at all times. They can do tag team and bring me food and clean cloths and such.

He does have an infection. His white counts are good so they figure that it should not be a problem treating whatever it is. They also figure that this could have contributed to his low blood pressure even though he is on large amounts of drugs to raise his blood pressure.

I guess the biggest problem that is there is knowing on just how much fluid to remove. They are having a big meeting today. Pulmonary Medicine guys and the cardiologists are in a bit of dispute as to whether there is too much fluid or not enough fluid so they are going to have another big meeting with everybody who is involved with his care to make decisions on what is going to be done next and make sure they are all on the same page.

John is now being fed through IV. He just was not able to take in enough calories by himself.

Pray for wisdom for the doctors. His case is extremely complicated and they are having a very hard time figuring out what the problem is. He is on a cardiac catheter. We hoped that would give them the insight that they needed but they still seem to be not sure of things. His Nephrologist did assure me this morning that they are not all idiots even if it may seem so at times.

I had some visitors from the North Seattle Alliance Church. Grace from hospital visitation came by and a couple of the elders came yesterday and prayed for John. He was sleeping at the time so I do want them to come by again and anoint him and pray. I wanted him to be awake.

John is very tired. I am not sure how much longer he will be able to fight. I am told that his heart is not working well. Almost hourly I am told different things by different doctors. It is almost impossible to update his status. I would have to say that it is extremely serious.

I am not sure if any of this makes sence. I have had to re write it a couple of times as more information comes.

I'm Here

2009-10-08T00:10:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone. Just a quick update cause I'm TIRED.

Gramma and I made it safe and sound, although I did lose her briefly in Seattle airport. Next time, I'm tying her to me. Everything else went very smoothly, and Mel will be happy to know our customs guy was a sweetie and even said he'd pray for Dad.

Seattle is BEAUTIFUL. What a pretty city. I drove to the grocery store tonight.

Dad is... Well, I'll be honest. He looks so frail, and he was all wired up, and he is still very confused. It is hard to see him like this and just want him to suddenly look over at you and just be... Him. I got to pat his head though. His hair is growing back, and it is soft like a bunny rabbits.

When I arrived he was very happy to see Hannah and me, but he insisted that I had brought Ben when I told him I hadn't. Poor Dad. He'd like all his grand-treasures here with him, I'm sure. Hannah was her usual charming self and made him smile though, so we're all glad she's here. (Mom of course can't get enough of our little banana baby.)

Dad is having 36 hours of dialysis and he is in ICU so they can monitor him while they do that. Plus there was some heart catheter thing going on, or it is going on, or something. It can tell the doctors whether there is fluid there that needs to be removed. I think they are hoping that once he is all caught up, and some of that fluid is taken out, a lot of the things that are causing troubles will go away. Please pray that they are right and that this works. Please also pray that in his tiredness he won't give up, that he'll somehow find the strength to keep fighting.

Love and hugs to all of you and many BIG thanks to those that prayed for me today. After stressing about the trip, I have to confess, I almost enjoyed it and flying into Seattle from Vancouver was the prettiest thing I've seen maybe ever.

Gramma is staying with Dad tonight so Mom can get some rest. Hopefully she will have a good sleep since she had a pretty long day of travelling today.

More tomorrow... Err... Today... Later today. Wait. What time IS it? Mom and Dad really need to consider setting the computer clock to Seattle time. Or is it already?

Either way, I'm going to sleep.

Once Again, A Title Eludes Me

2009-10-04T16:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a hard week. And tomorrow looks like it will be a hard day. Dad is very weak. We aren't sure if they are going to shock his heart tomorrow or not. He is having some new stomach problems due to the transplant which will require heavy doses of steroids, which will cause fluid retention, which is already a problem since any additional fluid has to be taken out with dialysis.

I'm not gonna lie people. It's all complete crap and Dad sounds worse every time I talk to him. He is struggling. The doctors have plans to try to get him stable, but from our perspective things just don't look good.

If you are able, please join with me in fasting and praying for my dad. Tomorrow is looking like it will be a big day in terms of finding out how things are going to turn out. We are by no means past the point of crisis.

In addition to this, Dad gets very upset without someone there with him every hour of every day. Please pray for my mom. My sister is there with them now to help, but she is going home on Tuesday and Mom will be on her own again....

Although, plans are in the works for Gramma and I to fly out on Wednesday. More about that later though.

P.S. He loves phone calls. 206-598-3902

Whole Lot of Tweaking

2009-10-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

For those of you who aren't on facebook, I thought I'd post an update Mom wrote earlier today:

Due to the kidney failure, it has become necessary to make a lot of adjustments too John's medications and to change a lot of his medications. They have switched one of his anti rejection drugs because it has become almost impossible to keep the levels stabe. The Tacrolimus is causing Parkinson like symptoms. The levels have got too high. It is hard for him to hang onto anything. They are reducing his Fentanal patches because he is groggy and and still somewhat confused at times. They are adjusting his heart meds to get them just right. As soon as they have the levels just right, they are going to try to shock his heart back into a normal rhythm and hopefully it will stay there. I think that they are going to try to take off more fluid again today.

John is weak. He is not eating very well. Pray that he will drink enough Nepro ( kidney version of Ensure or Boost) to maintain and regain his strength. He is having back and hip pain I think mostly due to being stuck in his bed for days on end. Physio has been coming around and been getting him up. He was up in his chair this morning but was very tired and weak. Hopefully as they get things under control he will start to feel better. For now, it still is a rough go.

- Christine

A Good Day

2009-10-01T18:58:00.000-06:00

As you know, we have had a very scary week so I am so happy to tell you that John has had a good day. His blood pressure has not been a problem while on the dialysis machine to get some more of the accumulation of fluid off of him. Pray that this trend continues.

John was up today and took a walk with the guy from physical therapy. He is weak and his back and hip hurt due to hardly being able to stick his big toe out of bed. They will come now daily to try to get him back to where he was before all of this.

Thank you all for praying!!! I can not express what this has meant to us. It gives us hope when there seems to be none.

Urgent Prayer Request

2009-09-29T18:42:00.000-06:00

Dad's low blood pressure continues to cause problems. The doctors feel that it may be because his arteries were hardened by the cancer. They are giving him a medication that may be able to repair some of that damage and raise his blood pressure. This medication NEEDS TO WORK. If it doesn't he will have to go back into ICU to receive a drug that will raise his blood pressure, but that is not a long term solution, and without a long term solution they can't do dialysis and obviously his heart will eventually shut down.

We need a miracle here.

Lost Day

2009-09-27T21:18:00.000-06:00

John was doing great this morning. Taking off three liters with dialysis can do wonders for a guy. He has stayed stable all day so has left ICU and gone back to his old room. The phone number is 206-598-3902.

This morning he was given a small dose of Ativan for his nausea. He did tolerate Ativan when he first got here but has become very intolerant of it. Basically he has been sleeping all day. It is very difficult to wake him. When he is awake he is very confused and at times agitated, pulling at his lines and cardiac monitors. Sometimes he does not know who I am. Sometimes he is hilarious. His nurse said that he was very cute even stoned. I had to agree. I just don't want him to have to go through this again.

I am staying the night as they figured that it would be very hard to get a sitter for him. We don't want him out of bed on his own. The last thing John needs is a bad fall. It would be double bad seeing as how he is on blood thinners.

The good news is that his nurse has entered in his chart that he is allergic to Ativan. We want to make sure that he never gets this drug again. It does not wear off at all because it does not clear his kidneys so we have to wait for the half life of the drug in order for the drug to no longer affect him. I wonder what the half life of Ativan is.

Seeing as how I am his sitter, I have to ring for the nurse when I have to go to the bathroom and tend to try to hold it so I am not ringing them every half an hour. It is hard when you have old lady bladder syndrome. Opps, too much information. I hope I am not sharing too much!

They tried to take him down for an x-ray today but had to bring him right back because he got so agitated and figured that it was just to dangerous plus upsetting for him. They are going to try later tonight if he becomes cognicient enough. Me thinks that I am in for a very long night.

I doubt that he will remember much of today. I think it will be a lost day.

I did wise up and pack pajamas for myself and a toothbrush. I am so thankful for the computer. I would be bored beyond tears without it. It has been a very long day.

Tomorrow he has dialysis again so he will lose part of that day being stuck in his bed and tired. The dialysis is fatiguing. Sigh.....

I long for him to be stable enough so that he can get back to our apartment and I can cook for him and he gets back to eating and regain his strength and all of that. Sigh...Sigh...Sigh

Goodish

2009-09-26T10:25:00.000-06:00

Well, better than last night anyway. The good news is that John did not have a heart attack. The thought now is that he suffered what they call: Demand ischemia. Do not try to google that as any of the articles I found on the subject seem to have been written for doctors and are impossible to understand. They highly suspect pneumonia. They are not entirely sure what is causing the pneumonia. It may be fluid on his lungs due to the poor renal function. It can be caused by a type of bleeding due to the transplant. It can be caused by an infectious agent. This causes him to be short of breath and not taking in enough oxygen which in turn causes his heart to beat faster trying to get oxygen to his body which causes his blood pressure to drop and all of that caused his heart to go into atrial flutter or fibrillation. His body has been through a lot of shock with the transplant and the kidney failure. Even the dialysis is hard on the body. Last night things were scary for awhile. they did have to shock his heart back into a normal sinus rhythm. He did have enzymes in his blood that did indicate heart attack but these enzymes were not high and do show up with demand ischemia as this does cause slight damage to the heart.

They are going to do dialysis today as long as his blood pressure stays . They are going to be very careful and gentle with it so instead of four hours they are going to stretch it out into six hours. He will continue to get antibiotics and hopefully in a couple of days that will kick in and start to take care of his lungs.

John is in intensive care. The drug that they give to raise his blood pressure has to be monitored in ICU.

I Can't Think of a Title

2009-09-25T23:42:00.000-06:00

So, not a great day. Not even a blah day. Just a day that I can't even find a word to express how much I wish that it wasn't like this.

(Please bear with me, I'm going to try to explain things as close to how Mom explained them to me as I can, but... Well, I'm doing my best. Hopefully I remember it all right.)

I think it started out all right. The doctors said that he didn't have a clot in his leg. There was no pain or redness and the other leg started doing it a little too, so it is obviously something else. So that's good.

He has a touch of pneumonia I guess, but he's on antibiotics, so I don't think anyone is too worried about that. I don't think he has a fever or anything. But he was out of breath, and his blood pressure was low, so one of his doctors decided to do an ECG to see how his heart was doing. It was racing and beating irregularly again so they had to shock it back into a regular rhythm. Mom stayed in the room with him, she is one tough cookie, my mom.

Then they moved him to intensive care. They want to put him on a drug that will keep his heart rate steady, and apparently they need to have him in intensive care to be able to monitor him. They also ran a whole bunch of tests to make sure he was all right and to see what was going on. It turns out he had a heart attack. This may have been caused by any number of things, including the blood clot that Mom mentioned in the last post. It could also be caused by his low blood pressure which may have been caused by the dialysis which also may have caused his heart to race and beat irregularly in the first place... You see how everything is all connected and complicated?

Anyways... I talked to him and he told me not to freak out. My words, not his. His words were to not go somewhere where I don't need to go, which is obviously to the not-so-merry old land of "I'm never going to see my dad again". It's not very easy to keep from freaking out when the "H" word starts getting used. I guess I'm getting used to the "C" word by now, because that used to be terrifying all by itself.

Mom says they will have more news tomorrow morning. It better be good-ish. Or at least not bad-ish, because I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take. (Or any of us.)

I bought plane tickets today to go see them at the beginning of November. I wish they were for tomorrow. Does anyone have some money they don't need that they'd like to use to fly us all out there? I need to pet Dad's hair. I'm sure it will irritate him, but I really need to just stand by his bed and pet him.

I hope next week is better. This is getting really hard. (As if it wasn't already hard.) Thanks so much for praying. I'm sure it's the only thing keeping my mom as calm as she is.

I'm trying to think of something else to write, because when I'm done with this post I'll have nothing left to do but try to sleep... Maybe some Farm Town...

Love you all. Hug someone you love and maybe even pet their hair a little...

Much Better

2009-09-24T12:00:00.000-06:00

My sleepover ended around four in the morning. That was around the time that the snoring did me in. I felt fine about going as he was doing much better and I had got the night attending physician to have a look at him. He had to go twice for an x-ray. The first one he had not took in a deep enough breath because he was so groggy so he had to go for a second one which turned out much better. He has the start of pneumonia. They figure that he may have aspirated when he was so groggy. He was put on antibiotics right away. That was all wraped up about 1:00am. I am glad that I stayed and got some of this looked after. I am amazed at how well I am functioning on only four hours of sleep. The Lord must have gave me super sleep because I feel well rested.

I also showed the night attending that one of his legs was swollen. I had only noticed it late in the evening when I was taking off his sock. He will have to have an ultra sound today to make sure there is not a clot in his leg.

When they did the ultra sound of his heart on Tuesday they had found a clot on the end of one of his lines. I only found out about this yesterday afternoon when the nurse was telling me about a new drug they were putting him on. He was already getting heparin but I thought that was only because of the procedure yet I was wondering why he was still on that. Well...that is why. There is really nothing further that they will do if they find a clot on his leg because he is already getting the blood thinners that they would use to treat the clot. If he has one I am hoping that it is below the knee as those clots are less likely to move. Nurse Damon tole me that the clot on the end of the line is small so it should dissolve rather quickly.

I am frustrated about the fact that the doctors rotate every four weeks even here in the hospital. Dr. H. has gone back to the Hutch (the research center) and now we have Dr. I don't know, I did see him but he did not speak to me at all doctor and his last name starts with the letter O. He of coarse has a new game plan and basically chucked Dr. H's plan. This involves giving him masses of anti nausea drugs hoping that John will be able to eat. Dr. H planned to start giving him IV nutrition and had told John not to worry about eating.

I talked to the night attending about all of this and told her I was starting to get very concerned about John's lack of nutrition. When a person is on dialysis, they need more protein because the dialysis leeches it away. If your body does not get enough protein, it will steel it from the muscles. The heart is a muscle. He may have a good reason for changing the plan but I would like to know what it is.

John is doing much better this morning. He was up in his chair for breakfast and managed to eat some of it. Nurse D is holding off the anti nausea meds so that John can stay awake long enough to have a shower.

Through all of this I am staying calm. Thank you for your prayers. I know that God is answering them. He is watching over us.

Just A Tad Too Much Ativan

2009-09-23T10:41:00.000-06:00

John has been having trouble with nausea. This morning he asked for a double dose of his Ativan. By the time I got here, umm, he was pretty stoned so, he is telling me some pretty strange things this morning. His nurse is hooking him up to the dialysis machine so she said that she can get him un-stoned faster than if it was going to wear off by itself. Maybe he will just go to sleep and stay out of trouble. So far he has been telling me about robbers and something or other that he hid in the bathroom and no longer can find. He is being a bit of a handful. The doctors are going to try a different regime to try to control the nausea, one that won't leave him so out of it. The doctors gave him IV yesterday after the heart procedure and all that fluid stayed in his body so he is puffy and having more trouble breathing. The dialysis will take care of that. Good news: His heart is staying in a nice normal rhythm.

What Next?

2009-09-22T09:59:00.000-06:00

I would rather deal with minutia. For the last few days, John's heart has been beating fast. It has been running anywhere from 118 to 140. At first they were not too concerned as it was gong in a normal rhythm and they thought once they got some of the toxins out of his system it would resolve. Yesterday evening they discovered that it is now not a normal rhythm so today they are going to stick a tube down his throat and do an ultra sound of his heart. It seems that this fun began after they put in the temporary line for his dialysis. They say that this sometimes happens due to the line being just a little too close to the heart. Hmnmmmm....nobody told us of that risk before putting the line in. I asked if this would clear up when they backed the line away. The resident said that it does not always go away and that sometimes it becomes permanent and that the problem with it is that because the heart is not going steady, sometimes clots can form so they have to then give blood thinners. I told her that this was just wonderful. On top of a renal diet we would now also have to have a diet that would have to balance his INR's. She said that they will try to not have to give them and that maybe shocking the heart would work. So, I just wonder what is next? When you think you have seen it all and have enough coming down on you, it just seems to keep on raining. I don't think we will be out of this hospital any time soon. Anyhow, it is one more thing that we would like you to pray about. We are sure hoping that this is not permanant. Thanks guys. Don't know what we would do without you.

Minutia!

2009-09-21T11:39:00.000-06:00

When stuck in a small room for a couple of weeks that is about all there is to focus on. Things like not having frosting on the Mini-Wheats, having orange slices and red peppers coming with your toast so that the toast tastes like red peppers and oranges, low volume on the new TV so that you can't hear it over the dialysis machine, TV with a dark screen and no way to fix it and no view of the mountains become things that a person tends to focus on. Suffice it to say that John is not in love with his new room. They moved it because the guy next door is on dialysis as well and it is easier for his nurse to keep track of them both. It doesn't help that papa bear is not allowed off the floor and that he cannot go in the family room. I think he is starting to go stir crazy.

For me, little things can amuse. I found myself talking to a little bird that had stopped for a rest on the roof garden this morning. I thanked him/her for the lovely song. I asked him/her what kind of a bird she/he was but did not get an answer. I thanked her/him. It was a lovely song and I don't think that these birds live in Saskatchewan. Sometimes a couple of crows visit and sometimes a little humming bird. There are a lot of crows that live in Seattle. I saw a mouse last night outside the front doors of the hospital. I moved out of his way and kept a vigilant watch until the cab came. So you can see that I am just as focused on minutia as John.

John is feeling a lot better this morning. He ate a small bowl of cereal. We went for a walk around the loop. He is having a shower. He will have four hours of dialysis this afternoon. His white blood counts are coming up. Hopefully he will start to feel better and be able to get out of this place in the next few days. The doctors have not said anything yet as to when he might be able to leave.

Here is a picture of the new view:

Well, a couple of pictures, two to be exact.

Blah

2009-09-20T23:27:00.000-06:00

Hi all, I thought I'd send out an update on how Dad is doing and give Mom a little break...

I talked to them on the phone and Dad is feeling pretty cruddy. His stomach hurts and he has diarrhea again, plus he's nauseated and just feeling all around yucky I think. (Cruddy and yucky are very technical medical terms.) It's not anything unexpected, but it isn't great since Dad is off his food again. Mom said some fancy word to me with mucus in it, which I know means that the mucus membranes in his body are probably irritated and inflamed. He is taking a lot of drugs and just had radiation, so it's not a big surprise that he is feeling so poorly, just a big disappointment.

His counts bottomed out on Saturday (no, I couldn't say for sure what they are counting, but I think it's white blood cells), and came up a little, which means (without all the fancy technical words that my mom can remember but I can't) that his immune system was almost totally gone but is hopefully on the rise again. That could help him feel better, since his body can't heal his membranes, including the ones in his stomach and intestines, without an immune system.

Please pray that he will feel better soon. I know it is hard on my mom when he isn't feeling well, and when he isn't eating. I also know that it is hard not to feel hopeless when your body is feeling miserable so please pray for my dad's (and mom's) spirits. Pray that they will feel God's love and healing presence very close to them over the next while.

I hope I got that all right, if I didn't, that's okay, you can still pray and I'm sure God will figure out what we're talking about.

The View From John's Room

2009-09-18T18:58:00.000-06:00

This is where the University of Washington Huskies play football. We just can't quite see the field. Apparently, there will be a game tomorrow so there will be lots of traffic. It won't bother me because I am here long before the game starts and go home long after it is finished.

During the football game the lake fills with boats. I will try to get a picture tomorrow. I don't know what they are doing there. They can't possibly see the field! I think they just like to come and show off and party.

It is a nice view.

John is on day two of dialysis. He will have it again tomorrow and then have a day off on Sunday and then back at it on Monday. We are not sure when they plan to discharge him. They did say that not until his tachrolimus levels are stable. They will not be putting in the peritoneum line next Friday because his white counts are going down and do not want to risk infection. (this is normal and a part of the transplant) That procedure will have to wait until his counts go up again. He is feeling somewhat better today and has started eating a little bit.

I did my grocery shopping at the online Safeway store. They will be delivered on Monday. I think I could learn to love that. I hate grocery shopping. Think about it, a person can shop and watch T.V. all at the same time. Hee hee.

John is watching the Food Network. His nurse commented that many of the patients watch that even though they have mucositis and are nauseated and not eating. I have always found this habit of his strange but am comforted by the fact that he is not alone in his odd behavior.

I did another post today that follows this one. It is for brave and non squeamish people only. I don't want to traumatize anybody.

Warning Not For The Squemish

2009-09-18T18:48:00.000-06:00

O.K.

I will

make sure

that

the pictures

are far

down

the page

so that those

who cannot

really cannot stand

to look,

don't have too

Say cheese

That is better.

Ouch!

Ready Set Go

2009-09-17T17:42:00.000-06:00

Every thing went well during the procedure this morning to place the line in John for the dialysis. While he was gone for that, imagine my surprise when the technicians showed up with the dialysis machine and proceeded to set that up. I was not aware that they would be starting it right away today. He has been on the machine for a couple of hours now and should be finished soon. He will have more tomorrow. I guess they like to start out slow and gentle. He should start to feel better in the next couple of days and I hope that he starts eating. He has not been eating much.

There, his nurse is gowning up and must be getting ready to disconnect him. He cannot get the line put in for the peritoneal dialysis until next week Friday. I think he has decided that he will opt for that. He is really not saying much. Pretty quiet, but I guess, really, what is there to say.

Last night my blogging friend, Shelia, came and she took me out for dinner. We had a really nice visit. I think we could have sat up all night and just talked. I wish I could take her back home with me to Canada. Maybe she would like to become a Canadian? You know, every now and then you meet somebody that you just click with. She is like that. Thanks Shelia. Just to get out for an evening gave me a boost.

Dialysis

2009-09-16T15:55:00.000-06:00

Well, it is pretty much a sure thing that John is going to require dialysis. They are going to put a temporary line in tomorrow so that it is there right away. Now we have to make a decision as to which type of dialysis he will want to have for the long term. The nice thing is that there are choices and he does not have to go into a clinic to have it done but can do it at home which means that he will be able to have more freedom.

The first type is standard in clinic hemodialysis which is done about every three days in a clinic. The second type is peritoneal dialysis. This is done at home. This takes a couple of weeks to learn. The third type is home hemodialysis which takes much more training probably up to eight weeks . We are kind of thinking of trying the peritoneal dialysis. It is reversible. We don't have to stay with it if John hates it. They are quite willing to get that set up and by the time we go home we should be pros.

I also want to thank everybody for all their heartfelt thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to both of us and really gives us a boost. We are doing alright and will get through this and learn to adjust. We are keeping our eyes on the big picture and that is to have a successful transplant. That is the most important thing.

Keep calm, keep giong.

2009-09-15T20:52:00.000-06:00

That is what the signs say. Posted all over our street are bright red signs stapled to the power poles. They say "Keep Calm, Keep Going". They are probably posted for a marathon or something. Bright red. Hard to miss. Appeared yesterday. I wish they said: "To Chris - Signed God" I will keep going but sometimes it is hard to keep calm but I am trying to do what the signs say.

If John's kidneys do not start to show progress by Thursday he will be on dialysis. Pray for his creatinine to start to clear. It hasn't yet. It just sits there.

Thank you all for praying. We do need a miracle.

Rough Day

2009-09-14T21:08:00.000-06:00

John phoned me at 6:00a.m. because he was having chest pains. Apparently they started around 4:00a.m. but he decided to see if they were going to go away before he phoned. I high tailed it to the hospital. The doctors had already started testing out his heart by the time I was there and could find no evidence of heart trouble. This did not deter them and they kept popping in and out of the room hemming and hawing because they could not figure out what would be causing the pain. After worrying and thinking, it finally hit me. I asked John if this was the same pain that he had when he popped his ribs out of joint. Yes! I mentioned it to the next group of doctors that came in. They thought that it had possibilities. They sent him for a CT scan. They still sent heart specialists in. They sent the pain doctor in. The kidney doctors came in a few times too. All day long there was a steady flux of guys in white coats. Anyway according to the pain doctor, he had heard rumors that a rib was involved. Nobody really came and told us so but they finally quit visiting so I am guessing that I was right.

John's kidneys are not clearing the bad stuff out of hiss system yet. His potassium has gone up again this afternoon, so more dirt drink for him this evening and more trip to the toilet. They are trying some kind of an I.V. concoction to get his urea down. If that does not work he is going to have to have dialysis. The renal doctor told us that most patients who are put on dialysis have less than a fifty percent chance of ever being free of that. It is starting to sound discouraging as far as his kidneys go. We have been reassured that a person can live many years being on dialysis. The sad thing is that you are pretty much married to the machine. His life has been changed so much by the Myeloma, it is heartbreaking to me to see his life impacted even more.

His spirits are getting low. Hope sometimes is a very illusive thing.

Getting Antsy

2009-09-13T20:57:00.000-06:00

John is for the most part feeling alright. He is not allowed to leave the ward and wonder around the hospital (haha! He is not allowed to wander around either!) so he is starting to feel cooped up. He is staying in stable condition and managing to avoid dialysis. Mostly it is a waiting game now. How long do we have to wait? No idea.

He is not eating a lot. Mostly he feels bloated after he eats. This is due to his poor functioning kidneys and they figure that he will have less problems with the bloat when his kidneys start to work again. He is not allowed to take in very much liquid. He is allowed to take in about 32 oz. a day which is the equivalent of two small bottles of pop.

He wants me to bring him a fried ham sandwich tomorrow. That will just make him thirsty. I think it is a bad plan and I think that I will be having a salad. Heehee. I shall go and get that ready now. I will have the fried ham sandwich tonight. Shhhhh....don't tell.

Waiting

2009-09-12T22:49:00.000-06:00

John is staying stable. The doctors are taking it a day at a time. John had to drink more dirt drink late this afternoon to try to get his potassium levels down. I guess the lactose followed by insulin does not really get it out of his system permanently. The K-flex dirt drink does. It takes it out through the bowels. Not very fun stuff on many different levels. Anyway, it worked. His potassium was in the normal range by the time I left this evening. Now I can sleep much better tonight.

John had a pretty good day. He was quite perky even this afternoon and even planned on having a hamburger for supper. The dirt drink wrecked that plan cause after he drinks it he has to fight to keep it down. The nurses helped him along by giving him a dose of Ativan which put him to sleep. I hope he can sleep tonight.

They treat us very well in the hospital. The nurses are fantastic. They seem to have lots of time for their patients.

Well, that really is all the news for today. We are staying optimistic.

Hanging In there

2009-09-11T20:55:00.000-06:00

I don't have a lot of new news. The doctors are still doing tests to get to the bottom of the acute kidney failure. Now, I know that I did not use that word yesterday but I really, really didn't want to freak people out before I have an understanding of what that means.

We spoke more to the kidney specialist today and because it is acute that is actually a good sign. There is more chance that his kidneys will recover and return to how they were functioning before all of this. John's condition is stable at this time and if it does worsen they will take him to dialysis asap. They are not doing a lot of I.V. and diuretics because they don't want to push his kidneys but be very gentle with them. They are still hoping that the dialysis will not be necessary.

We were a bit concerned today because the kidney specialist was concerned about finding proteins in his urine, the kind of protein that his myeloma spills, the kind of proteins that did all the damage in the first place. These proteins are called something, something light chains. When I refer to them in the future I will just call them light chains. Just the mention of this had papa bear running way ahead of things and he was thinking that his cancer had decided to get real bad, all in just one short week. He was tested thoroughly during the last two weeks and while there is some activity, there is no way on the planet that it is gone to that type of an extreme in a week. I was having a hard time convincing him of that so I asked for the resident transplant oncologist to come and explain the cancer side of things because the kidney guy really only sees the kidney side of things. She assured John that his cancer has not progressed in a week but did say that probably everything combined stressed his kidneys out.

1.Light chains
2.full body irradiation (killing off cells that have to be filtered out of the kidneys)
3. The transplant with incompatible blood type (more dead cells that the kidneys have to filter)
4.Tracolimus (the anti rejection drug that they had to give him lots of to get the level fairly high in his system so that he won't reject the transplant.

The diarrhea was caused from the junk they gave him to lower his potassium levels and really did not do the job seeing as how he kept puking it up. Tonight they are going to get it lowered by giving him insulin. First they will give him lactose to raise his blood sugars.

He had to have blood transfusion today because his hemoglobin was low. This is nothing new and not and unusual thing.

Any way, to sum it all up, his spirits are doing a bit better after all the explaining. We really would like prayer for his kidneys and especially that the trocolimus and his kidneys could some how make friends. He will have to be on this drug for a considerable amount of time and possibly forever although at much lower levels. Pray that he will start peeing. I know that you all have prayed for a lot of different things in your day and I am sure that this is a first but let me tell you, when the man starts peeing, I am going to celebrate! Susan, could you phone pastor Kevin and maybe a few more members of our church family. Just knowing that they are on this would make me feel better.

You can phone John. I know that mom would love to talk to him and that she is worried. Susan, could you pass his phone number on to her. I will leave it on your facebook private message board.

Thank you all for all your virtual hugs and well wishes and prayers. Stuff like that really helps keep me going and reminds me that most people are good. It must be that the cranky ones take jobs as taxi cab dispatchers.

Oh and thanks Becky for editing that post. I am sure that I could not have possibly have got it all correct!

Hospitalized

2009-09-10T23:24:00.000-06:00

We were hoping that we could avoid the hospital. It would have been nice to have given it a pass, but hospitals sure are nice when you need them. John's kidneys have taken a dislike to the treatment they have been getting. One of his anti-rejection drugs is not very kidney friendly, and top that off with radiation, and all of those new cells that he got yesterday, well..... Just not happy. His creatinine levels are quite elevated and his uric acid and potassium is very high. He is not peeing either.

He will have to stay in the hospital until they get all of this stabilized. He may have to have dialysis for a little while just to give his kidneys a break. I have been told that this will not be a permanent thing. They are going to try to avoid that.

He did have a violent bout of vomiting this afternoon shortly after getting the dirt drink. They give him a horrible cocktail to reduce the potassium in his system. He burst some of the small blood vessels in his face doing this. Now he has to drink some more to replace what he threw up.

He is very tired. Yesterday was a long, long day, and we really did not get a full nights sleep last night.

Ordering meals is done very differently at this hospital. They have room service. You can order food whenever you want off of the menu which is bigger than most restaurants. You call the order in and it gets there within 45 minutes. You can order from early morning until 7:30 at night. I am thinking that maybe the patient gets billed, but I am not sure as there were no prices on the food. The hospital is nice and even the toilet paper is good. It is not the cheep scratchy stuff of back home.

I am feeling tired and stressed. It did not help things to have the taxi dispatcher yell at me and hang up on me because I did not know where to find the account number on the voucher I was given by the Cancer Alliance. The person on the phone was not only rude, but intimidating. It made me cry, but really it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. When I called back again I got a different person who was somewhat better, although by that time I had figured out the right information. The cab driver was appalled at how I was treated and gave me a number to call and complain. He was also mad because stuff like that can affect his livelihood. For my part, I really have better things to do than phone and complain, but I will do it for the driver's sake. He said that this is not the first time this has happened and if people phone it may get fixed.

O.K. I am tired. I am not going to edit this, well maybe tomorrow. Goodnight all.

2009-09-05T13:06:00.000-06:00

Sorry that I have not done an update for a while. Things have been going good. We have been managing to get out and about and have a little fun as well. I think that this is really helping us to be positive and also not to get home sick. So far our spirits are good. Sunday we are going for a two hour cruise on a sailing ship in the harbor. The Cancer Alliance get free passes for many activities and give them out to the patients and their families. A couple of weeks ago we had passes to a Mariners game and it was up in a private suite. You should have seen our seats! That was pretty nice and it was the first and only professional ball game that John had had the pleasure of seeing. We did have a chance to see one when we were in Toronto a number of years ago but then the ball strike happened.

David got in alright but we did have a bit of a kerfuffle with his hotel reservations. The short story is that he had to sleep on our couch last night. We do have him in the Hampton Inn for the rest of his stay. I am sure that he will sleep much better tonight.

Friday John got his Hickman line put in and because he went ahead and had the procedure done without sedation he really did not have to have any recovery time. He felt so good that we went out for supper and he has not had to take any extra pain medication.

Today we have a class to learn how to take care of the line. I have to know how to change the dressing and how to flush the line. I will bring my camera with to the class and take pictures for you of the line. Melissa, don't worry. I will title that post so that you are warned so you won't get tricked into seeing the pictures.

Today David starts his injections to prep him for the stem cell harvest. He does not have to have as many injections as John did. He is young and healthy and I guess it takes less to convince his cells that it would be nice to go for a swim out in his circulatory system. Wednesday is the BIG day. I have so many hopes for after Wednesday. All those new cells will implant themselves and start killing cancer. On Wednesday we will have been here three whole weeks!

All Settled

2009-08-25T16:12:00.000-06:00

It is hard to believe that we have already been here a whole week. John, however, says it feels like a month so for me time seems to fly by but for him, it is slowly ticking. Our days have been filled with things that we already went through the last time we were here. We did manage to get out of the food safe class seeing as how we did that the last time. We went to another class today because we did not remember if we took it before. We did. Zzzzzzzzz Oh well, a little refresher does not hurt anybody. I did learn that we need to get some sun screen cause UV rays can aggravate graph vs. host so there you have it. Not a total waste of time.

Here is a tour of our digs:

This is the view off our balcony. The other day, I watched as a couple of homeless people rooted through the garbage. There are a lot of homeless in the area. The other morning somebody was sleeping in the door alcove of the derelict building across the street from the front entrance of our apartment building. The area is a real mix of run down and abandoned buildings and very nice buildings. The people in the area are just as varied. There is constant traffic down the back lane as a huge gym is just down the way and access to the parking garage is down the lane. Also, there is construction next door and all the cement trucks and such make there way down the lane. The good news is that they don't start work until seven in the morning and quit around five. The I-5 runs just across the street from this building. Surprisingly we are getting used to the noise of that.

This is my attempt at beautifying the view. Hrumph! This plant cost me twenty dollars. Around this time in Saskatoon, I would have only had to pay half of that. It does cheer me up so it was worth it and I think I can keep it alive until we have to go home. I will give you all progress reports on the health of the plant. I am sure you are really concerned and will wait with baited breath for that.

Anyhoo, I am sure next week will be very busy. David will be here by September first and the transplant takes place on September 9th. I will update when I have anything to tell you. So far, there is not much to say. It has all been pretty redundant.

Take care and thanks for praying.

Week One

2009-08-21T09:34:00.000-06:00

Monday: The trip from Vancouver Island to Seattle was tiring. We had to wait an hour and a half at the ferry but were glad that we did arrive early because that insured us passage on the next sailing. We had to wait two hours at the border. We did not make it in time to get our key so we stayed the night in Everett.

Tuesday: Made it here alright. Got keys, unpacked and did the big grocery shop. Got all settled in. It was nice to make our supper and not have to eat out. Monday night supper at Denny`s left much to be desired even though our waiter kept insisting that we were in for a big treat and that everything we ordered was YUMMY! Let me assure you that it was anything but yummy. It amounted to over priced gut rot.

Wednesday: Wednesday was a whirlwind of appointments. They again forgot to schedule time for lunch. We were very hungry when we got home.

Thursday: More appointments and tests. I packed a lunch to bring with as it looked like we were going to miss lunch again. An appointment was changed so we had time, lots of time, for lunch but was still glad that I packed lunch because the bistro here serves strange food, lots of tofu and sprouts and leeks and other foods that I don`t have a clue about and don`t really want to know about. John is even less adventurous than me so he was very thankful.

Friday: We are up bright and early and at the clinic. John is having his bone marrow biopsy. Pray that it is good. The last one that was taken was somewhat inconclusive apparently seeing as how it was taken so soon after the transplant.

No matter the results, the transplant will go this time. Ian, our nurse, said we won`t be sent home from school this time.

We have the weekend off and so far only one appointment for Monday. If the weather cooperates, we plan to go to the tree park that is known as the Arbouratorium (spell check does not recognize that word). The wiener sticks will hopefully be put to good use. It has been hot up to today. This morning it is overcast and misty. We are liking it as our apartment does not have air conditioning but I do hope for some sunshine on the weekend so that we can get out and enjoy some sun, the fresh air will probably have to wait until we get back home.

Hopefully, next week I will have a router so that I can have Internet at our apartment. Until then I can only post here at the clinic where they have free wireless so I won`t be in communication with you until Monday. Talk to you later. Take care every body.

And They're Off

2009-08-10T14:49:00.000-06:00

Yes, Aunty Margaret, you're right. September 10th was a typo.

Mom and Dad left today for Seattle by way of Vancouver Island. As ever, it's hard HARD HARD to say goodbye for four months, but we'll make it. I'd say "It'll be over before we know it," but that's just being silly. It'll drag by and nothing will feel quite right until they are home again.

So, as usual, we covet your prayers. Sometimes it's easier for us to push aside our fear and sadness and stress, but it's there and our family is under a great deal of strain. Cancer is so hard... SO hard, and it takes away so much from all of us. Please don't stop praying for us all through the months ahead, and of course, especially for my mom and dad. Pray that this transplant does what it's supposed to do so that we can be together again soon and well on the way to getting back to normal. (Or as close as our family can get. Heh heh.)

And Mom and Dad, in Ben's words, "I'm definitely going to miss you." Drive safe.

(On the up side, I'm pretty sure you will all be seeing a lot more in the way of blog posts over the next while... Although, most of mine will probably be about my kids...)

Getting Ready To Go

2009-08-04T18:52:00.000-06:00

We are leaving for Seattle on September 10th. We don't have to be there until the 19th but are planning a small detour. We will stop for a few days on Vancouver Island and visit our son and a bunch of John's siblings and try to pretend that we are on a holiday. Maybe that will help us from feeling too sad when we pull away from our house and we won't be crying as we drive away like we did the last time we left to go to Seattle. I will make sure that I don't play any sentimental music. Last time, one of grandpa's and Sammy's favorite songs came on the tape player. That caused instant blubbering. Who would of thought that Niel Diamonds "A Beautiful Noise" would bring a person to tears!

We will be staying at Union Bay Apartments again. That is nice as I know exactly what to expect and it helps me in knowing what to pack. I am hoping that we can go a little lighter this time. I went shopping and bought all the over the counter drugs that we will need. They cost just about double in the States.

John has been feeling good so that is great and we should have no trouble with the drive.

Soon as we get there and get our phone I will let you all know so maybe you can give us lonely ones a call. We will have our laptop with as well. That has been the best purchase we have made up to now. Second favorite purchase is the GPS. We had to get a new one as John froze the life out of the battery by leaving it out in the car in the middle of our bitterly cold winters.

There Is No Place like Home

2009-07-07T18:38:00.000-06:00

John was discharged yesterday. Seven hours after he got home he had a fever so off we went to visit our friendly neighborhood emergency services. By the time we got there his fever was mysteriously gone so we skipped out of there and went home. He has been running a very low grade temperature since then but I am not too worried. If it was something bad his temperature would stay up. Tomorrow he has an appointment with the renal specialist. We will see what he has to say about it if anything. He has started to eat solid food. He had eggs for supper and said that they were the best eggs that he has had in a long time. I said that those eggs are the first eggs he has had in a long time. Now that he can eat I am sure that his recovery will speed up.

Home Is In Sight

2009-07-03T12:27:00.000-06:00

While Dr. M. was off for a couple of days, Dr. F. kept the IV's running even though Dr. M. had made a notation on John's chart not to do that. Part of the problem was Dr. F. is being run off his feet and didn't read the notation. Normally, this would be what you do to treat a person with partially functioning kidneys but this does not work well for John. He puffs up like one of those funny puffer fish, full of fluid. He is much better today although his one leg is still swollen so they are going to ultrasound to check for blood clots. He is breathing better although he still gets short of breath when he gets up. It all boils down to the fact that John will be staying here for the weekend. If he would have begged I know he could have gone home today Dr. M. said so but was against it but we really don't want to push it and end up in emergency. That is not our definition of a good time. Oh and by the way, his kidneys are doing better without all that hydration.

Eating is a problem. He had very, very bad diarrhea as well as cramping, bloating and nausea. It is starting to resolve but for about a week now, he really is not taking in very many calories at all. The nutritionist brought us some clear fluid Boost. It is so horrible. I took one sip and if somebody told me that I had to drink one, I am not sure I could do it to save my life. Just kidding, I probably could but I would have to puke after. I am hoping by Monday that he will be able to start taking in some calories in the form of easy to digest cereals, broth and juices and that this won't make things go backwards.

Pastor Paul was up to visit yesterday and prayed for John. As well as that, we know that many others are praying as well. We are so thankful for those prayers and are confident that we will get through all this. It has been hard for John especially as he was feeling good before this. Pray that he will be at peace and have the patience to take it all a day at a time. Pray that his recuperation will go well when he comes home and these complications will resolve without visits to the emergency room. Thanks guys! |Love you all.

Moving Along

2009-06-26T09:33:00.000-06:00

This week has not been a fun week for John. Yesterday he fevered up. This is normal for transplant patients. Very few of them get away without having fever. They have not been able to stop his many trips to the bathroom so... Ya, good times. The good news is that within 7 days or so, things should start looking up. He just has to hang in there. His mouth sores have not been getting worse so that is good news. Other than that, there really is not much to say so.... Oh ya! I have to go and get front tires put on the car this afternoon seeing as how I wrecked one on the way home Wednesday. I brought a book. Getting tires put on is like taking the car to the doctor. I will be waiting.

Zero

2009-06-23T14:22:00.001-06:00

Today John is officially neutropenic. He has no good infection fighting white cells. His day passes are over. He is feeling pretty terrible. The Melphalan nasties are here. They are called: Mucositis, an inflammation of the lining of the mouth, throat, stomach and it causes diarrhea just for a little added fun. Poor guy has spent the morning in the bathroom. The handout says that as the white cells recover so will the mucositis. Hmmmm...probably 10 more days to go. Please pray for John. He is miserable. Tomorrow they will start the GCSF injections. (growth factor) This can cause bone pain because it causes the bone marrow to produce cells. I remember that John did ache last time. Pray that this is not added to his misery.

So Far So Good

2009-06-19T16:16:00.000-06:00

Monday= chemo. Tuesday=Transplant. Wednesday=day pass. Thursday=day pass. Friday=day pass. John has been doing well so far. His kidneys of coarse have took a hit but hopefully will recover. Now that Dr. V. is gone the guys in charge don't seem to be filling him to over flowing with IV solutions this time so he has been able to come home for the day and has not had to suffer what he did last time due to being over filled with liquid. He has had no build up of fluid in his chest or in his legs. So far he has no mucosa or in other words no sores in his mouth or in his esophagus.The new meds that they are giving him seem to control the nausea. Today he was outside mowing the grass. I am not sure what the doctors would say about that but I am not telling. Today is probably the last day pass as his white counts are falling. If the rest goes as good as the first week has gone, he will be up and going in no time and we will have no problem driving back to Seattle.

Settling In

2009-06-15T22:11:00.003-06:00

I just thought that maybe I should write a quick note here before I go to bed. I plan to get to bed by 10:00 and up early so that I can get parking. No more sleeping in for Chris. Rise and shine! Sorry, just giving myself a little pep talk.

John is all settled in. He has a room with the river view, his internet, TV and phone. The phone number is 655-2567 and you may be able to catch him on facebook.

The chemo will take place tomorrow and the transplant on Tuesday so they are really not wasting any time. He is having problems with his pick line. It is bothering him because it hit a nerve so he gets electrical shooting pains in his arm and two of his fingers are numb. They will change that on Thursday. They can't do it any sooner and they really can't wait any longer than Thursday as they don't want to do that when he has no immune system. Other than that, he is doing fine and his spirits are good.

We will keep you posted. Night all.

Settling In

2009-06-15T22:11:00.001-06:00

Here We Go Again

2009-05-14T12:18:00.000-06:00

I woke up thinking about the two transplants that John has ahead of him. I just seems so overwhelming to me this morning. I am always on edge waiting for the next curve ball to be thrown and I wonder each time that one comes, will I be able to catch it? Our transplant oncologist wants to put John on Thalidomide as a maintenance drug between the transplant here and the transplant in Seattle. Our provincial drug plan does not cover it. It is very expensive. VERY VERY VERY From what I could gather from on line research, it could cost up to four thousand dollars a month. We were given application forms to receive compassionate free drugs from the pharmaceutical company that supplies the drug. Again we have to fill out forms divulging all our personal financial information. It feels so invasive. They even want to know how much is in our checking accounts. I worry that the little that we have managed to stash for the foreseen and unforeseen emergencies will disqualify us. I worry that they will decide that perhaps we should sell our home or that our car is too fancy. This is the company that as soon as they learned that the drug was valuable in the treatment of Multiple Myeloma raised the cost of the drug 800% over the last five years or so. I just wonder how much compassion that we can expect from them.

John had his bone marrow biopsy on Monday. We should be getting the results of that early next week and know how well all those chemical cocktails worked. After reviewing that with Seattle he will probably be admitted into the hospital at the beginning of June for his second auto transplant, that is the one using his own cells. They figure that we will be in Seattle at the end of July or the beginning of August.

Good news! Our passport applications are in and we should get them within two weeks. That is one load off my mind. So, for now, I just have the above mentioned load. When I think about it, it seems to me that God does know how much of a load that I can carry at any given time and I sure do need to remember,that I am not carrying the loads all by myself.

Enough Chemo Already!

2009-04-26T13:27:00.000-06:00

Sorry that I have not updated sooner. There really has not been much to tell. John started his sixth round of chemo last week. It is supposed to be his last round. It has been getting harder and harder physically for him with each successive round. His immune system has been compromised. He has had two bouts of fever. He is over that now. Sometimes his red blood counts have been low and that makes him feel weak and tired. The cyclophosphomide is wrecking his stomach. It has gotten to the point that his poor stomach is so sore that he really is not eating. I am going to go and get some Boost or Ensure and see if he can handle that. I don't think it helps his stomach to be empty either. He says that he is not going to take it next week. I don't blame him. If it is going to eat a hole in his gut, I think it is time to stop. Really, how much more good is it going to do? All of this is getting him down. It has to be very depressing to feel so awful day after day. It is a good thing that the hockey ply offs are on. That helps to pass the time.

What's Going On?

2009-03-27T15:11:00.000-06:00

Since people have been asking, and since I know how busy my mom is, I thought some of you might like an update on what's been going on with Dad in the last few weeks.

Dad was supposed to be back in Seattle by now, according to what they told him when he left anyways. They told him that he would have two or three rounds of chemo, and then he'd travel back to Seattle for the donor transplant, but by the time he was done the three rounds they'd changed their plans.

As things stand right now, they'd like to do three more rounds of chemo and then another Autologous Stem Cell Infusion (or Autotransplant) in May, before he goes back to Seattle sometime around August. The autotransplant would be like the one he had last January where they gave him a stem cell transplant using his own stem cells. Of course, he is not especially enthusiastic about this, (an understatement I'm sure) since the last one was very hard on his body if you remember. And things like this always contain some element of risk.

The thing is, because he has high risk Multiple Myeloma, and because his last remission didn't last as long as the doctors (and we) would have liked, they feel that another autotransplant would give the donor transplant the best chance of success. Hopefully the autotransplant would give Dad a long enough remission for the donor stem cells to take hold and then keep the cancer in remission. (You may be wondering why they didn't just give him the donor transplant right after his last autotransplant? Why did they leave him waiting around for almost a whole year till they finally sent him out to Seattle? One reason was because they weren't expecting his cancer to come back so quickly, and the other reasons... Oh, let's not talk about those. I'll just get angry.)

So that's where things stand right now. As far as I know, Dad still hasn't decided for sure on another autotransplant, but he's already started on these latest rounds of chemo. Each round takes three weeks, so he'll be around here for a while yet. (Which, I have to confess, makes this selfish girl pretty happy. I really want Mom and Dad to meet my new baby before they have to leave again.)

Please pray that the right decisions are made and that when it finally is time to go back to Seattle my mom will have her new Canadian passport.
Here's a picture of Dad just for fun. It's Ben and Sam's favorite. Right at this moment Sammy is screaming "Ahhhhhhhh! Lookadat! Dat's Grampa! Grampa's on the horse! Ahhhhhhhhh! Dat's funny! Grampa's funny! He's riding dat horse!" (And so on...)

Up In The Air!

2009-03-02T15:08:00.000-06:00

Everything is all up in the air and not in a good way. I went away to Yorkton last week to help Becky with the renovations and expected to come home this week and start to pack and get ready to head back to Seattle. John was phoned by our coordinator. Apparently she had been wrong about the bone marrow biopsy and it was at 10 percent instead of around 5 percent. Seattle wants him to have another round of chemo. He has started that so it will be at least another three weeks before any plans are started to be formulated as to when we will be leaving. Seattle as well wants to do another auto (his own cells) transplant followed right after by an allo (donor cells) all to be done in Seattle. Our onocologist (who is away this week) apparently is against this (the auto transplant that is). I think we will be meeting with Dr. V's associate this week. We are very confused at this time. This is the first time anybody has mentioned doing another auto transplant. Hopefully he can clear some things up. We do want to do what is needed to get the best outcome but another auto transplant is a very hard thing to have to go through. Please pray that the best treatment option will be the one that is choosen.

Update

2009-02-15T13:38:00.001-06:00

The bone marrow biopsy results are back. It came back at under 5%. That is good. The cancer did respond to the treatment. It sounds like we will be back in Seattle around the second week in March. Union Bay will have a one bedroom suite ready at the beginning of March. We will phone tomorrow and book that. Everything is coming together. Now for that pesky packing!

Ben and Sam are in this weekend. We are off to the mall to do some mini golf. How we love normalcy!

Almost again?

2009-02-08T19:36:00.000-06:00

Here it comes again, I think. It seems that we could leave again almost any time. I am not feeling quite as apprehensive as last time. Last time I really did not want to go. In the back of my mind I just thought that there was a chance that I was not going to come back from there. I know that that's a little dumb, but you can't dictate your feelings. An aside. Have you ever seen that stupid add for wiskas cat food where the guy pretends to be a cat. That is just on now, and that is without a doubt the dumbest add in the history of tv. How can any self respecting man act like that and call himself a man. About six months ago I wrote wiskas an e-mail and told them how stupid it was and said even if I had a cat I would sooner it starve than feed it wiskas. I didn't tell them I would never own a cat anyway, filthy animals. They still didn't pull the add. Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled post. Where was I, yes, you can't dictate your feelings. I wish I was always strong and could say that I feel good about the outcome of this treatment, that I will be one of the lucky ones and live a long life, that I will be able to see my grandchildren grow up and get married, all those things that make all of us warm inside. But sometimes my mind goes other places. The last couple of days my legs have really been hurting and they just ache really bad. I know that it doesn't have anything to do with my cancer, I don't think, but sometimes it just seems like one thing after another and then my mind goes a little dark. Enough of that though. If I dwell on it, things just get worse. Just got off the phone with my brother Henry, and that always cheers me up. I talked to Ben today and that always helps, so I really must start thinking about that instead of where my mind wants to go.
You all need to start praying that there would be a place for us to live in Union Bay Apartments. We can live some where else but this place is close, clean and we know it. We do not want to have to live in a hotel for a while either, I would not like to live out of restaurant's. I think I have made enough demands on you for a while. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers, you are all true friends. Oh, pray also that when we go, David won't have to be in Seattle right when Carolynn goes in to have the baby. We only need a small window of 10 days where it would be safe for him to be here, so pray that it doesn't happen at the same time.

Speeding Things Up! Maybe?

2009-02-06T12:45:00.001-06:00

Round three is finished. They have moved the date of the bone marrow biopsy up by more than a week to Feb. 9. That means that we could have the results back by the 16th. That means that we could be leaving any time after that. We have a few things to do before we leave.

1. Change oil in the car
2. Buy a couple of new tires. We really don't want to wreck our winter tires and we need a couple of new summer tires so we really need you all to pray that we won't run into any bad winter driving conditions. I am not sure if it is worth trying to save our winter tires. I am maybe going to try to talk John out of this.
3. Renew my travel insurance.
4. Do our income tax or at least make sure that we have everything with us so that we can get this done. Pray that everybody will get us our T4's in record time. I guess Mike can mail it to us if worse comes to worse.
5. Make sure John's prescriptions are all filled to the max
6. He has a dental appointment

I am trying to itemize everything here, that way I won't forget things. Can you think of anything? I am going to phone Union Bay next week. Pray that they will have something for us. I really like the location and the place. We feel comfortable there. I am going to start packing next week. I don't want to be rushed. I should start making a list today. Eeeeeeeek!

Round Three

2009-02-03T16:37:00.000-06:00

Well round three will be finished this week. Boy the time is flying by. SLOW DOWN! I can't help myself thinking that if all had gone well in Seattle, we would be thinking of coming home about the same time as we will be heading back. Sorry, just can't help myself.

I talked today with T. the transplant coordinator. She phoned to say that she has been in contact with Seattle and all the government agencies to make sure all systems are go and to tell us the Ottawa will pay for the dental bill that we received when we were in Seattle in November. John will be having a bone marrow biopsy on Feb. 17. and that takes about a week to process. She said that we should be heading back at the very beginning of March. I am going to start packing very soon.

Today I spent about an hour looking for all my travel documents. I finally tracked them down. I found them where they belong in the fire proof box. I looked everywhere they did not belong! Go figure. I left them there and wrote a note to myself on the whiteboard in the kitchen so I wouldn't forget again.

I have found myself being kind of weepy the last few days. The smallest things are setting me off. I think that for awhile I had tricked myself into thinking that things were normal and that life would just go on blissful day after blissful day. Cancer was far on the back burner of my mind. Now that the time is coming closer for the battle to begin (Seattle battle) I am having to start dealing with my emotions. I am sure John is going through this as well. It is still going to be hard to drive away from home. I am not stressed out about all the stuff that I was before. That is a blessing. Still.....

Some good news: The appointment that John had at the renal clinic went well. His kidneys are now functioning at 42 percent. That is 5 percent better than before.

Here She Is

2009-01-09T17:57:00.000-06:00

Grandpa's pride and joy!

Abigail Dawn

Round Two

2009-01-05T09:34:00.000-06:00

Round Two begins today. Hopefully this will be no worse than round one was. This way John will be able to enjoy that new grand daughter of ours! For those who have not heard she was born on January 3rd, weighed 8 pounds and her name is Abigail Dawn. Mother and baby are doing great and are already home. She is gorgeous! I don't have any pictures of my own yet but when I get some, I will put some up.

End Of Round One

2008-12-30T20:36:00.001-06:00

Round one is finished. John gets about a week off before he starts round two. He seems to be feeling alright. There is not much to tell. We figure we will be heading back to Seattle by the beginning of March.

Everything is fine with Kinsmen. They will simply pick up where we left off when we return. We do not have to re-apply.

Hope everybody had a nice Christmas and be sure to have a happy New Year.

Better

2008-12-17T23:00:00.000-06:00

John seems to be feeling better. We hope it lasts. Just thought I would let you know. Tomorrow he gets another injection of Velcade. I don't think that it is the one that is wrecking his gut. We shall see. He doesn't get the drug that I think is responsible until Monday. That is good because the grandkids will be here probably Friday evening so he will feel good for a couple of days anyway plus Friday morning is Noah's Christmas program at his preschool and I know he would not want to miss that.

Round One

2008-12-16T20:31:00.000-06:00

I liken this to a boxing match. The bell has rung. The first punches are being fired. The myeloma shall go down for the count. Only thing, poor John is in the middle of all of this. He is not doing too bad so far but the drugs have made his stomach sore. One drug in particular is hard on the stomach. When we go in Thursday we can see if there is anything that they can give him. He has anti-nausea drugs but they don't seem to work for this. I am hoping that tomorrow he will feel somewhat better.

Baby It Is Cold Outside

2008-12-14T23:26:00.001-06:00

How cold is it? It is so cold that my eyelashes want to freeze closed with the tears that the freaking cold causes my eyes to produce. It is so cold that the metal on my eyeglasses hurts my face. Apparently, this is not going to go away any time soon. Oh well! I would not know what it was like to go out Christmas shopping in warm weather and HEY! we Canadians are made of tough stuff. We simply like to hear the sound of our voices whining. It harmonizes with the song our vehicles make when we try to start them.

We did brave the cold and went to church this morning. One nice thing about coming home are all the nice warm hugs you get. A whole bunch of us stayed after and ordered pizza. We had a nice time and I did not have to cook lunch.

I am a little closer to being ready for Christmas thanks too my brother in law and sister in law who sent us a really nice care package. They sent one large box of Christmas baking and a swack of lasagna, chili and home made spaghetti sauce. They live a couple of hours away otherwise they would be wiping my slobber off of their faces already. Big hugs and kisses to you guys! Today was a day of blessings.

Just A Blip In The Road

2008-12-11T18:00:00.000-06:00

Treatment will start on Monday. John will receive a combination of three drugs, Velcade and Dex being two of them. We have been told that his myeloma is not really doing anything. It is there but inactive. That is hard to understand but apparently the 30% cell count is not the 30% cell count that was there previous to his DEPACE treatments. There is very little protein to be found in his urine. That apparently is the most important thing. They are not concerned. After three rounds of Velacde and Dex. we will be heading back to Seattle. (providing John responds to that and they feel confident that he will)

We were told that the bone marrow biopsy are not given at three month intervals because they are invasive and because they do not conclusively indicate the amount of disease in the body. Myeloma is patchy throughout. It is impossible to measure so the best measurement of his myeloma is the 24 hour urine tests to see how munch protein is spilling out. Because the myeloma is inactive it is not spilling out.

We were told that the reason that he was not sent at 6 months was because they wanted to give him a little more time to recover from the Jan. transplant. Because this transplant is hard on him they decided to lower risk from the transplant by waiting and letting him recover more, that is until they were happy that his blood work was stable. Things are more complicated because of his kidneys and they were not happy for awhile after his transplant.

The Velcade treatment is not as hard on him as any of the previous treatments were. He will have his immune system impacted but not to the extent it was with the other chemos.

Another reason that it took so long was that the provincial government took a long time approving the trip to Seattle although he had not sent that application in until September. He does not have to reapply for the second trip. They feel confident that the Kinsmen will continue to help us.

That sums up everything as simply as I can put it. We are more or less satisfied with his explanation. He was very kind and compassionate. Our transplant coordinator and our social worker were there as well and were very supportive.

We will not have as much work to do to get ready to go the second time. We should be able to get ready in a short notice. They will keep in close contact with the people in Seattle. Seattle will fit us in whenever John is ready to go.

We Are Coming Home

2008-12-05T16:43:00.000-06:00

We will be leaving on Monday morning. They have decided that at this time not to proceed with the transplant. Yesterday it was a go. We picked up David from the clipper. We went to our first appointment in the morning. We got called away from that appointment to go and see Dr. M. Apparently the myeloma has been busy and now there is 30% cancer in his bone marrow. This level is too high for the transplant to be effective. They have decided to send him home for a few rounds of Velcade and dex. Why did it take them this long to figure this out? I do not know! They have had these test results for over a week. Why did not Dr. V. do a bone marrow biopsy last August when he should have? Ask him. If we would have been sent in the half year paremeter that they had told us about, I don't think that the counts would have been so high. If they had bothered to give him the minamal follow up by doing the bone marrow biopsy at the 3 month intervals that they said they were going to do, we would have caught this and he could have had some treatment then the transplant would have been a go. Hopefully the Velcade and dex combo will bring those levels down and in a couple of months come back for another try.

Pump Master

2008-12-04T22:26:00.000-06:00

Hopefully, theoretically, I think I can! I will go over all the material again and practice the line flush in the sink. LOL! It really is not that hard, it just freaks me out a bit. I will be squirting: 2 10cc syringes with normal saline straight into Johns body. Hee hee! I know what normal saline is from experience at work! Bad memories of Day Hospital trying to run a code blue and phoning down to Supply and Processing and asking "code blue...normal saline...stat...Day hospital!" At which point they hung up the phone. It was a good thing my co-worker knew what normal saline was and it was a good thing I knew where Day Hospital was! Now if the lady would have asked me for a .9 solution of sodium chloride? I was standing right by it at the time and knew what that was! Cheese Louise! Anyhow...they are not supposed to be doing the code blue like that and they have all that they need right there at their finger tips. It turned out that it was a couple of physical therapist who did not know the correct proceedure to follow. Still...it did not do my nervous system any good. I have never forgotten what normal saline is. I will not be mixing this up with potassium chloride. You cannot trick me. Nope! You can believe that I will be checking what it is and expiration dates. After the IV solution is complete, I have to flush the lines again, once with normal saline and once with heparin. We were instructed in programing the pump, hooking up the lines as well plus dismantling that when finished all using sterile technique. Tomorrow or the next day we will learn how to change the dressings. I have to keep charts on his temperature, how much he drinks and eats and pees. I have to keep the day organized, make sure he gets to all appointments, cook and do laundry. They want him in clean cloths everyday. I have spent the evening going over all the material. Study, study. My brain feels fried.

We met with the renal specialist today. The drug did not damage John's kidneys. He says all systems go. We will see him again in four or five weeks.

We will find out tomorrow what treatment protocol they are going to use. He is in a study they are doing to see which protocol is better. In one protocol they do a total body irradiation without infusion of fludarabine (these medical words always play havoc with the spell checker and my brain) and the other protocol has treatment with fludarabine and irradiation. The only reason they use the fludarabine is to suppress the immune system so that John does not reject the graft. Because he has already had treatment that has suppressed his immune system they do not feel that the removal of that drug infusion will not cause any negligible risk of rejection. What they want to learn in the study is if removing this step in people who fit the use of this protocol will help in the incidence of infections post treatment. They are thinking that the fludarabine causes an increase in incidence of infections even well after transplant. It is not a large increase but they still are not sure which way is best. This study will help determine that. They feel either way is fine for him. The only other difference that we learned of is in the drug that they use to suppress the immune system after. Both are hard on the kidneys. Same difference there.

We have a full day ahead of us tomorrow. I am feeling a little stressed. His appointments are really cutting it close. I hope I can fall asleep. Sometimes that is hard when I am wired.

Merry Christmas To Me And John

2008-12-03T23:57:00.000-06:00

I am tired and ready to fall asleep. I love video clips of small children falling asleep at the dinner table with their faces in their spaghetti or mac and cheese. I bet I would look just as funny with my face on the keyboard. Maybe it could earn some money on America's Funniest. I don't think I have seen one like that yet.

We went shopping today and bought each other Christmas presents. I don't see how we could possibly work it out so that we could have any surprise elements at all. I am too chicken to go out and drive to any of the malls plus John really needed to try on his gift! It looks good. I will post a picture at Christmas. John bought me mine at Barns and Nobles. We had fun. It was a very Merry Christmas shop!

On Friday, the Hickman line is being placed into John's chest. The chemo and radiation starts after that. We won't be gallivanting round for awhile. Today was the last day for that sort of a thing. Tomorrow we have an early appointment with the renal specialist. They want him to be seen so they have a baseline for John. One of the anti rejection medications is hard on kidneys and they have no way of knowing how that is going to turn out. He could end up needing dialysis at some point. I am praying that this will not be the case. He has gone through so much and will be going through even more. To have to go through that to top it all off is just beyond too much.

Pray hard that his kidneys can withstand the anti rejection medications and that his kidneys would not suffer any injury from them.

Well, I had better hit the hay so I can get up in the morning with the alarm clock. Good night sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite and all that...

Pizza?????????

2008-12-01T23:45:00.000-06:00

If this was to land on your dinner plate and you were told that this was your supper, would you be happy? Thought not. Okay, maybe if I hadn't burned it, it would look a little more appealing. But there is more to this than just a slightly overdone pizza. There is a you bake pizza place just a block from our place, so the other day I thought we should have one for supper. When I walked in and saw the menu on the board on the wall, I should have turned around, went home and told Chris that the place was closed. Heck, when I saw the on the place I should have walked on by. Zaw? What is that? The only reason I even went in was because it also said "frozen pizza" on the sign out front. I didn't even think that he called frozen pizza, ,,,,zaw. I can't show you the whole menu but I will mention some of the ingredients. You can have fresh ground organic flaxseed on your crust, none of that other poisenous flaxseed. A "naked zaw" is "An elegantly simple blend of mozzarella and parmesan cheese on top of either our organic ruby red tomato sauce or an olive oil glaze." Than you can choose from some of these cheeze, asiago, brie, chevre, gorgonzola, ricotta, and just barely enough other cheese that I could pronounce so that our naked zaw didn't stay that way. Some of the veggies were, cilantro, roasted eggplant, kalamata olives, sage, spinach, roasted zucchini. And again just a couple of regular veggies. Meats, roasted free range chicken, Isernio's spicy chicken sausage which didn't say but I am sure that this would have only been free range organic pot smoking chickens raised on Salt Spring Island, prosciutto, salami, and pepperoni. I don't know what was wrong with the salami and pepperoni. Why it couldn't have a first name or some other declaration. But I thought it sounded just ordinary enough for me so I ordered it. There was some other weird things there, like apples or pears but I didn't think Chris would like them on her pizza, so I gave the man $23 and walked out. There must have been something in the air to make me stupid enough to give the man $23 for this thin fare, (the crust was as thin as a pitta) but I did it and went home like a proud hunter having supplied supper for my family once again. When I got it home and showed it to Chris she just looked at it but didn't say much. The ingredients said to cook it at 425 for 15 min. After 10 min Chris went and looked at it and said I better take it out before it was nothing but a black piece of charcoal. It didn't tasted real bad, I did eat my half. Chris didn't. But if I were to compare it to a Venice pizza, I would say it was worth about $1.60. Sometimes it takes a long time for me to learn things, other times it doesn't. That day I learned that if I want a pizza, and it doesn't say pizza on the sign out front, don't go there.
Sorry this post has nothing about my treatment or anything. It will next time. I just had to tell you t

Come Drive With Me

2008-12-01T19:42:00.000-06:00

Come for a little drive with John and I. The traffic is not too bad. We are not bumper to bumper like we usually are on the I - 5. This is coming back toward our place from the south. We went to Seward park for a walk. Seward park is on Lake Washington and is old forest.

I wanted to get some pictures to show all the different levels of the freeway. I got my camera out too late. I will get some pictures next time. I will be ready. I have found that if I am busy taking pictures or busy doing anything distracting...I am not quite as nervous. I am not used to the interstate yet. I wonder if this small city girl ever will be.

No new news. We have had the last three days off. David will be back on Dec. 4. Things will get moving then. We have three appointments tomorrow afternoon. That is it for now.

All Day Western Movie Marathon

2008-11-29T16:58:00.000-06:00

John is feeling a little pooky today. Good thing for the old Westerns. A new old one is now starting. Oh no...it is Jeremiah Johnson. We watched it last night. Now he has to try to find some other thing to watch.

We walked over to the clinic this morning for an extra blood draw. John's creatinine levels have gone up. High creatinine levels show that something has made his kidneys unhappy. They pulled a couple of drugs. One or both of them may be the culprit. I hope that today the results are better. Sometimes it takes a few days for the levels to drop.

Yesterday afternoon we went out for a drive after we went to the post office. The post office is up in the Capitol Hill area. The area where the post office is seems a little rough and sad. There are many homeless people in the city and lots of people struggling with substance abuse. We decided to go for a drive up into the Queen Anne area. We wanted to see what the big building up on the hill that is lit up at night was. We found that it used to be a high school that has now been converted into condos. Now we know and won't be standing on the roof garden at night and wondering: "What do you thing that big building is?" We will just have to find another building to wonder about. I do have my eye on another one. The Queen Anne area is upscale. There is a mixture of very modern homes and old Victorian style homes. Most of them are very large and have a spectacular view of Lake Union. The shopping district is a quaint combination of Victorian buildings and some more modern shops. It manages to loose the big city feel. I think we will go back there and explore some more. The big city makes me feel somewhat claustrophobic. It is nice to get away from that.

Germaphobes

2008-11-25T21:52:00.000-06:00

This picture taken from the roof top garden of the construction site next door. These guys were at it at 7:00 AM this morning. Arggghh! That is the first time that they have bothered me in the morning. John has to go and check their progress everyday. I zoomed in on them. It is a really deep hole and it is 6 floors down. The digger appears much closer in the picture than it really is. Really! Truly!

We spent the bulk of the day attending classes. What did I learn? Well, I learned that I can not...I REPEAT! I can not afford to catch any cold or flu. Some other lady in the class asked what would happen if she got sick seeing as how she and her husband were from out of town and she was the only caregiver? Would she be able to stay with her husband and continue to care for him? NO! That was the answer. "What?" she asked "What would they supposed to do if that scenario happened?" The teacher did not know but said that would all be worked out if it happened. Jonathan...I am starting on the multi-vitamins right NOW! Some prayer would be good to. I will be just as careful as John has to be. We shall be two germaphobes.

What did John learn from all the classes. Maybe about half. He kept dozing off. I made sure that I gave him an elbow whenever I thought they were talking about anything he needed to hear. Poor guy. I think he still loves me though.

The results of the bone marrow biopsy came back. There is 4% cancer cells living there. I was hoping for 0%. This reinforces why this transplant needs to be done.

So far all the tests say that all systems are go. The transplant should take place in about a couple of weeks. They have started prepping him with antibiotics and some other drug that contains simulated bear bile. I am glad that it is simulated! Why bear bile? It has something to do with how bears kidneys and livers are protected during hibernation. Clear as mud. Right?

All we have to do tomorrow is to go for an MRI. They want to recheck the stability of all his compression fractures. He did have one high up near his neck. That should be rechecked. After that we are free until Friday because Thursday is Thanksgiving here in the USA. We should be able to get into some mischief but still need to be careful that we avoid germs. It would be bad to catch something now. It would put a kibosh into things. It would drive poor Ian, John's nurse crazy.

A Lazy Sunday

2008-11-23T12:07:00.001-06:00

Lets play catch up. I guess I haven't posted since Thursday. Friday was much like Thursday except that it was all medical tests. John had his bone marrow biopsy done. This will tell us what the cancer is doing. The last test was done in June and was very good. I hope that this one is just as good. The less cancer that there is when they do the transplant, the better. He had a couple different X-ray procedures. We had a break between these so we walked down to Lake Union and looked at all the old boats down there.

They sell boats there. We have a picture of the yacht we would love our children to buy us. The toys of the rich! Unbelievable!

We met another couple from Saskatchewan. I was wearing my Huskie bunny hug. They are staying over on Capitol Hill and have been here a couple of weeks already. The bunny hug worked! Our apartment is very quiet and we have not met anybody here.

Yesterday John had his Pamidronate infusion. He missed having the last one in Saskatoon because it was to take place the day after we left for here. They took five hours to pump it into him. The clinic here is very nice. Everybody gets a private room with a television. He still was a little grumpy. The people in Saskatoon do this same infusion in two hours. I think that they should be doing it slower to be easier on his kidneys like they did when his was an inpatient. I am going to check into that when we get home because I don't think they are doing it right.

We went to Target in the evening. The Target store has escalators for shopping carts. I should have brought my camera. I guess that I should bring it everywhere that I go.We had to fight our way through traffic on the I 5. Makes me nervous but John seems to be fine with it. When we came out of the store we noticed that we had a flat tire so we have to go find a place to fix that today.

We bought a mattress foam for our bed because it is very hard. We both slept much better last night. We bought a footstool. Now I can make John all cozy by the TV with his feet up.

Tomorrow we have a couple of teaching and orientation sessions in the afternoon. It seems like our morning is free. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way and I want to meet my blogging friend for lunch. She lives a little outside of Seattle and is coming into town on Monday and can meet for lunch.

We didn't go to church today. John is on a 24 hour urine collection so he does not want to carry the jug along with him so today will be a lazy stay close to home day.

We still have not obtained a map of Seattle so it is impossible to figure out where the nearest church is. We don't have any trouble navigating our area but we don't have a clue about the rest of the city.

Thursday In Seattle

2008-11-20T19:47:00.000-06:00

Up On The Space Needle

Today was spent attending all of the appointments I listed yesterday. We were hoping to be finished by noon tomorrow. Our scheduler phoned us this evening and added a couple more appointments. We will be busy all day again except I think he did leave us a little time to get some lunch. We did not have time for lunch today. It was a good thing we ate a big breakfast. It gets dark here very early. It is messing with my mind. When we got home I quickly made diner thinking it was late. It was dark out after all. We finished eating and it was only 5:00 PM. Now both John and David are crashed out on the couch and I could fall asleep very easily. It is only 6:00 PM! We have to get up early tomorrow and be over at the clinic by 8:00 AM.

We met with our nutritionist and social worker today. I think we have weekly meetings wit some of these people. We met our oncologist (the one we have for this month, they rotate them every month) He basically told us what we already knew except for the fact that one of the medications is hard on his kidneys and he will have to be on the drug for an extended period of time. There is risk to his kidneys. Please pray for John`s kidneys whenever you tink of them. We know that the Lord can protect them.

Begining

2008-11-19T20:49:00.000-06:00

On Our Way

Here are a few pictures of our first stop in Edmonton. I feel like I should go back to the post about the hockey and put the pictures there but then nobody would see them. Maybe later I will move them to where they belong.

Form, forms and then some more forms just in case we maybe figured that we had not filled in enough forms. Reading and some more reading but just do it in small bites. Itinerary for tomorrow:

10:15- Meet with finance rep.
10:45- EKG
11:15- Nutrition evaluation
12:00- Radiology for chest
1:00- Social Work assessment
2:00- Conference with our oncologist and hand in consent forms

At least Friday looks a little less busy.

Tourists

2008-11-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

OUR COZY HOME

SPECTACULAR ROOF TOP VIEW

BEAUTIFUL ROOF TOP GARDEN

We are very happy with our new digs. We are very close to downtown as you can see. We played tourist today. We went to the Space Needle, rode the Monorail and visited Pike Place Market. Tomorrow is John`s first appointment. David got here without a hitch. We picked him up at the Ferry. We are only 5 minutes from where we had to go to pick him up. Easy! Getting around in our area is not any worse than driving around downtown Saskatoon except there are a lot of one way streets. We love our GPS. She still needs a name.

For Impatient People Like Moi

2008-11-17T23:38:00.000-06:00

If you're like me and you can't stand the wait and want to see pictures right NOW of where Mom and Dad are staying click on this link. There are pictures and floor plans and everything! Mom and Dad can correct me if I'm wrong, but as far as I can tell from Mom's description this is the floor plan of the apartment they are in. Snazzy hey?

We Are Here

2008-11-17T20:56:00.000-06:00

We are here safe and sound. Our apartment is very nice. The view on the roof top deck is spectacular. We plan to go up and watch the fireworks on New Years Eve. We can see the Space Needle from here. It is not far away. Anyway. Everything is perfect. I have nothing to complain about. We have it very nice here in our new little home. We feel very blessed and give thanks to God for getting us here safely and for all that we have here. I will put pictures up as soon as I get a new cord to connect my camera to the computer. I forgot it at home. I also forgot to bring some of the salsa that John made this fall. He was just asking for some.

Insomnia

2008-11-17T05:57:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we drove all the way from Hope to Everett, Wash. What an exhausting drive that was. I'm kidding. It's only like a trip to Regina or even less. Traffic is a little heavier, but the road is a little wider so it was okay. For a while our new gps wouldn't work so we were a little upset. But Chris smacked it upside the head a couple and it came back. We are going to have to give it a name. It has a very impersonal female voice so if you have any ideas, put them in your comments and we will pick the one we like.
It's 3:30 in the morning and I got tired of rolling over in bed, in an effort to fall asleep, so here I am. Last night we went out for supper, got back to the room and went for a soak in the hot tub. You would think that I would have crashed until breakfast, but nooooooo. It wasn't a real comfortable tub. It was built out of concrete and in an effort to keep you from slipping, I think they used a barn broom to trowel the concrete. It also didn't come with Susan and Marv, so that might have been a factor in the amount of enjoyment I got out of it. Chris can only handle about ten minutes in a hot tub, and I didn't want to sit there by myself, so we went back to the room after about 15 minutes. It should have been enough soaking time to keep me asleep more than 4 hours. Oh well, on to other things.
When we got to the border crossing there were about ten or fifteen cars ahead of us, so it took about twenty minutes to get to the front of the line. When we told him that we were there for 4 months, I thought he was going to make us pull out of the line and look through our car. We still don't have passports, heck, Chris is still an American with landed immigrant status. Hey, maybe that helped. They were just welcoming her back home. Anyway, he handed us back our id, and sent us on our way. We have about 25 miles to go after breakfast and then we are there. We would have done it yesterday and saved the cost of another hotel room but we couldn't get a key on the weekend.
That is about all for now. If you see a Kindersley truck driver, throw a snowball at him. If you can hit him right in the eyes than he will be able to see about as much as I could, when that trucker passed me on the wrong side of the road up on Rogers Pass the other day. And I wasn't holding him up any more than the other thirty vehicles were that were if front of me. Everybody except a couple of truckers stayed in the line until we got down enough so the packed snow and slush was gone. Don't ever try to convince me that truckers are careful drivers. Especially the Kindersley driver, he didn't care about anybody else on the road. Because of the weight of the vehicle I suppose he had traction, so he just roared right by.
But we did arrive safe and sound, the weather is great, and the car worked great. Thanks Andy. Most of the leaves are still on the trees and yesterday I washed the car at this car wash that didn't even have doors on it. It got up to 15 degrees Celsius. I suppose I will have to learn Fahrenheit again, but that is the temperature that was on the car. I think I might enjoy that part of this winter.
And please people, lots of comments. Even if you just say hi. Its nice to know that your out there.

Hope

2008-11-16T10:28:00.000-06:00

We made it all the way to Hope. We are lazing around this morning. We are only about three hours from Seattle. We had a dicey trip over Rodgers Pass. The combination of ice and bad semi truck drivers was hard on the nervous system. I still have my finger nails though. I managed to keep them out of my mouth by clenching them tightly on my lap and then squeezing my eyes tight. Thank you for praying us through the mountains.

Golden

2008-11-15T09:19:00.001-06:00

We spent the night in Golden. I drove through a good portion of the mountains yesterday. I think that I did pretty good! John says he was nervous. I asked him what made him nervous. He said that I looked nervous. I was not nervous. I think that he thinks that I looked nervous because he figured that I would be nervous. Hahaha! Nervous anybody?

We will be going over Rodgers Pass this morning. The weather is good so hopefully we will have no road problems. I stood outside the room this morning and watched the semi trucks heading out. Truck after truck went by. Well the sun should be coming up soon so I guess I can put our stuff back into the car. We wanted it to be light out so we can enjoy the scenery.

Edmonton

2008-11-13T15:55:00.000-06:00

We are here. Man...I am having troubletyping on the laptop. I am so not used to this. Anyway...we had an uneventful trip and are going now to have a bite to eat. Also clap your hands! John figured out how to use the password the hotel gave us and we are wireless. Now I know how to do that. Yippee!

Overwhelming And Lavish Love

2008-11-11T00:41:00.000-06:00

I don't think I have ever been so overwhelmed before in my life. I am blown away. I was unaware of how much so many people love John and myself. The last few weeks gift upon gift has been given to us to help with project Seattle. I can not count how many tearful hugs I have received. My best description of it is lavish love. It is the love of God given hands and feet and arms. It is the love of God in action.

Today a teenage friend of ours cleaned out his savings account that he had been working on to buy his first car, came by our house and wanted to give that us to help. It came from his heart. It was a lot of money. Needless to say we did not accept this lavish gift but I have to tell you that touched my heart. He cried when he hugged us goodbye. I cried when he hugged us goodbye.

I have been crying a lot. It has not been tears of sorrow. The tears flow in response to all the kindness and care we have received. I am undone.

Tonight we attended a fundraiser that was attended by people from our church, extended family and the community at large. They held a bake sale and a silent auction. I was blown away at the items donated for the auction. I was blown away at the amount of people who attended. I was blown away at the amount of baking and over the amount of time and work put into organizing and executing everything. I was blown away by the well wishes and hugs and tears. I feel emotionally spent but in a good way.

We are ready to go. Spiritually we are surrounded by prayers and the knowledge that we will continue to be covered by prayer. People all over the provence and even out of provence and even out of country pray for us. Astounding! Through all of this, I feel the love and peace of God and that is what I need the most. I feel his loving arms surround me. We are ready to go in our minds...in our souls...in our spirit.

I want again to say thank you to everybody. Somehow that seems so inadequate. I want to say we love you all. We are sure going to miss you.

Now I just have to finish that pesky packing.

Insomnia

2008-11-07T06:42:00.000-06:00

It is 6:00 AM and I am wide awake. The closer it is getting to departure day, the more trouble I am having sleeping. There are some positive things that come along with the insomnia. The grand kidlets are snug in their beds. The dog is still sleeping. It is nice and quiet and I can sit and put together some of my thoughts.

Today is the day of the big pack. I have been procrastinating. It seems that maybe if I don't pack, we really won't have to go. I keep hoping that Dr. V's off ice would phone and tell us they have made a mistake and this treatment would not be necessary. I keep trying to focus on all of the things that can make going to Seattle seem O.K. I try hard to make my brain think we are going on a holiday. We will try to have some fun before the treatment starts.

I am not the only one having trouble being gone four months. John has big time trouble. Our children have big time trouble. Our grandkids are going to have big time trouble. I think that this fact is the hardest for me. They are so little and how could they possibly understand this. Ah...pity sake! I told myself that I would not cry when I wrote this. When I think of them, it is impossible not to cry. Becky is trying to prepare her boys. I am sure Jonathan and Melissa are doing the same.

The one thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know we will all get through this. One day it will be behind us as just a memory. We have met the challenges of the last year and a half and with God's grace we will meet the challenges of the next four months. I have an amazing family. My children are great. Can you imagine what it would be like to go through something like this if that were not the case? They have given us so much love and support. That is another thing that keeps both of us going.

Stupid Multiple Myeloma! May David"s stem cells kill every last bit of you! That is the final and most important thing that keeps me going. I am focused very intently on this. I will do whatever it takes for this to happen... even overcome the things that frighten me.

With all that said. I am going to pack.

Checklist

2008-11-04T17:45:00.000-06:00

1. Funding applications in and approved

2. Wills completed

3. Accommodation secured (we received word today that a one bedroom will be available for us when we get there)

4. Travel insurance: John will be phoning back tomorrow about them putting the three month coverage back. There had better not be any problem with that because he had that coverage before we started.

5. Winter tires on

6.Car tuned up

7. New windshield appointment booked

8. Doctor visit complete. Prescriptions simply have to be refilled.

9. Birth certificates and other documentation packed

10. Laptop internet connection restored

11. Pants to go in tomorrow to be hemmed (All of john's pants are too long and this bugs him to no end.)

12. Package policy for car needs to be purchased

13. Packing to commence later this week

14. Help get David organized with his Ferry and accommodations.

15. Visit people to say goodbye

If any of you think of any important thing I may have missed please let me know. We got through all of the important vital thing. I am breathing a sigh of relief. I feel like I can relax a little bit better now.

Simply Amazing

2008-11-03T08:37:00.000-06:00

It is simply amazing that there are green things in my yard on November third. Not only are there living greenery but these little guys are still blooming. I admit they must be hardy plants as we have had some heavy frost but to have anything at all blooming in November is stunning.

It is like God put his hands around these guys and caused the fragile to defy all odds and survive. These flowers lift my spirits. These flowers remind me that nothing is impossible for God. Sometimes I feel very fragile and that if I get hit with any more frost, I will shatter into a thousand pieces, then I am reminded that God does have his hands around me. He is protecting me from the frost. He lifts my head. He walks with me in the dark places. He holds my hand. I feel his presence. His smile is beautiful.

The Kinsmen phoned about a half an hour ago. They have approved the funding for us. God has blessed us through them and through all of our family and coworkers and friends and God's hand has reached down to us through all of you. We have been shown overwhelming favor and grace. I am crying. I feel so loved and protected and cared for. I thank God for each one of you.

Fourteen Days

2008-10-31T14:13:00.000-06:00

We plan to leave on November 14. We get our keys to our apartment on November 17. John's first appointment is on November 19. This gives us ample time to drive there and a couple of days to settle in. We will be able to get our grocery shopping done and maybe even make a trip to fisherman's wharf. I will be packing my camera and the video camera. It was suggested to me today that I should make videos and put them on U-Tube then post them here. I am told that this is easy. I am sure that there will be days that we will be bored out of our minds so I guess that anything is possible. Everything is coming together. Our stress levels are decreasing daily. We will be ready to go on time. I won't have to pack too much as the apartment comes with bedding and dishes and such. I want to get some Christmas shopping done before we go. I think that our grand kids are old enough to notice it if we don't get them anything. They are too young to be told to wait until we get back in March. I want to get a neat Huskie Bunny Hug that I saw last week and should have snagged it then. I want the people from Saskatchewan to be able to pick me out of a crowd. There should be three other couples down there at the same time we are. Maybe John can find somebody to play cribbage with him. Thank you all for praying. It is helping. John has been struggling the last couple of weeks with stomach upset. He does have a doctor appointment on Monday. Pray that he can figure out the problem and that something can be done for him. He seems to be sleeping a lot too. His blood counts were a little low last week and he had to take his Arenesp. He hasn't had to do that for a while. His nurse said that it was just a little low and we can expect that he will have to take Arenesp occasionally. Not to worry. He does have a little bit of a cold. I am sure that is not helping.

Union Bay...Home Away From Home

2008-10-30T12:51:00.000-06:00

I think that I have our housing nailed down. There will be a studio apartment available at the Union Bay Apartments right away when we get to Seattle. We are going to take that and we can move as soon as a one bedroom becomes available if we want to. It is cheaper than the one bedroom by about $400 a month so if something happens to our funding we will just tough it out there. We don't have to pay any utilities. The gal says that it is a fairly large suite. Union Bay has a roof deck, BBQ, community room with big screen TV and an exercise room. There are many transplant patients staying there too. I was checking into getting a condo but was not having much luck. This is better as I won't have to deal with traffic and driving on the number 5. Bob B. phoned today and he goes to Seattle every couple of months. He said that the number 5 is awful especially when it rains and that it becomes impossible to see and that if one car hits another usually it ends up being a twenty car pile up. He takes the side roads instead. We will be taking his advise. He will be out in January and will stop by. I am going to check my E-mail right now and get registered for that apartment. Things are looking up.