Wishes

Hi Dad,

A year ago we said goodbye. You held Ben and Sam that morning for the last time. And you hugged me, I tried not to cry, but I did a little. You cupped the back of my head and pressed my face into your shoulder and you tried not to cry too. I remember. And I remember trying to tell myself it would be okay. That you would be back. And I watched you drive around the corner in your car for the last time.

Later I went into your house and when I walked in the door I saw your blanket and pillow still out on the couch, just the way you had left it, just the way it always was when you watched TV and fell asleep with the remote in your hand and an iced tea on the floor beside you... It was there waiting for when you came back, and I lay on it and cried. And then I carefully rolled it up and put it away. I told myself I was being dumb. That you would be back to use it, and it wouldn't matter if dog hair got all over it and it had to be washed. But I still rolled it up and put it away. I have it in my room now. I stole it from poor Mom, and I have it in my room still rolled up.

Passing by this day feels a little like I'm losing you again. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just knowing that I'm a whole year away from my last happy times with you. Maybe it's seeing the folders of pictures of you getting further and further away from the new folders I put on my computer. Maybe it's just me, being over-emotional and dumb, as usual.

But I ache for just one more hug. I hurt more every day it seems. Every day that goes by without you calling to eat cucumbers on the phone to bug me, or listen to Ben's latest story, or complain about how I never want to talk to you, I'm always calling for Mom.

Last night I dreamed you came home and we all went camping with you. And we were SO excited that you were back. I hated waking up this morning. I just miss you. In so many ways.

I wish you could be here so I could ask you for advice, and you could make me laugh, and you could take care of Mom, and you could be my boys' hero, and you could spoil princess Hannah, and you could go fishing with Ang, and be the guy who Jonathan and Mikey could always rely on. I wish you were here and we didn't have to face a reunion without you and we could look forward to being with our family the way we used to. I wish you could come home for the weekend the way you did in my dream. Even if it meant waking up the next day to realize you weren't here again, I wish you could come home for the weekend.

Could you maybe ask God if that would be okay? Just this once?

I think tonight I'll unroll your blanket and pillow for a while.

Dear John

Dear John,

Yesterday Becky and I went to pick a memorial stone for your grave. I am glad to have this completed. It was bothering me that to date this had not been done. I am sorry that it took so long but it was very hard for me to do. I think that was because it makes things seem so much more final. As long as this last task was not completed perhaps you could still come home. It is odd how I try to trick my mind, how I try to deny the truth. Even when picking the stone both Becky and I opted to choose one that looked the least like a grave marker, you know the type, the classic RIP stone that is curved on the top. Did you know that it costs extra to have one ordered that does not curve on the top?

I am thinking that if you can read my letter and know what I have been doing that you will be a little miffed with me on how much money I spent. I know this because we talked about this very thing. I am sorry, I had to spend what I did spend to make the stone look less like it was sitting beside a haunted house.

The stone will be etched with majestic pines and has a boat and a guy fishing. It looks just like Ispachaw Lake. What wonderful times we had there. You would get up early in the morning and go out fishing. I would sleep in a little then get up and make breakfast. It was like you could smell the bacon because you would somehow get there just in time. I can picture it all. I can hear the boat motor muffled by the morning mist. I can smell the clean air. I can see you walking up the path, fish dangling on the chain and the huge smile of contentment on your face. How content we were! How truly happy. Life did not get better than that did it? Ispachaw is a magical place. Becky wants us to go there. I told her that I don't think that I can. Just thinking about our times there bring me to my knees.I don't know what being there would do to me.

We kept the inscription simple. It says: Loved A Lot We put that there because you did love everybody so much and because you were also loved a lot. We put it there because to each person, as you lay dying, you told them that over and over. It was how you said goodbye. It said to each one everything that you would have liked to say if you had been able to. It told us how proud you were of us. It told us that you did not mind the sacrifices that you made on our behalf. It told us that you enjoyed being with us every minute that you were and that you did not want to leave. It told us how sorry you were to know the pain we would have to endure. You showed us the very face of love. It was your face. We say back to you: We love you a lot. We love you a lot. We love you a lot. That will never change.

Popsicles and Cuddles

I took this video in the last few minutes of the last time Dad was here at our house. I remember watching him and Mom drive away afterwards. And crying in the driveway. I always cried when they left. Even before Dad got sick. I'm like that. I can't help it.

Now I'm sitting on the couch in the same spot he was sitting and I still find it completely incomprehensible that he's not here and he won't be coming here again ever. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach whenever I think of him and everything we've lost...

All those wonderfully ordinary moments that everyone else gets to take for granted.

Dear Dad

Fridays are the worst days for me. Right after work, when I get home. I bottle things up all week, to make it through and then I come home every Friday after work and cry. I look at pictures, and watch videos and lay on the couch until I fall asleep. I had a message saved on my voice mail that you left once when you were in the hospital. I think you were bored.

"Angie-weiner, are you there? Let me hear your voice."

I kept the message for as long as I had that number. I thought that one day I might not be able to hear yours and this would be my only way. I don't have it anymore and all I want right now is to chat and hear your voice.

I just sit here and cry and think, I just can't believe this happened. This isn't happening, this didn't happen, how did this happen.

It's just not fair.

Missing You

I've been meaning to post this for a while, and today seems like the day to do it, so for those of you who weren't there, and even those who were...

John Braun left the loving arms of his family to rest in the loving arms of his heavenly Father on Friday October 9, 2009 at the age of 56. He was born in Swan Plain on January 8, 1953 to Abe and Mary Braun. He grew up in the Saskatoon area with nine brothers and sisters, and a large and very close extended family, which made for a boisterous and happy childhood full of love. He met the love of his life, Christine Newson, in 1970 and immediately proceeded to charm her socks off. She was attracted to his love of adventure, his sense of humor, and his sweet nature. They were married June 22, 1974 and immediately got busy filling their home with their four children Becky, Jonathan, Michael, and Angela; creating yet another boisterous and happy home. John was an excellent father whose children filled his heart with joy. He always had time for a wrestle, a hug, or whisker rub.

John worked in the grain handling industry, and spent almost 30 years working at what is now Viterra in Saskatoon. He was involved in his community through coaching, and recreational sports, and he was a member of the Martensville Alliance Church family. He made many dear friends wherever he went and was loved by all, even people he barely knew. He always had time for others and was happy to lend a helping hand. He was a handy guy to have around.

John loved fishing, golf, camping, canoeing, football, tools, and the Maple Leafs, but his biggest love of all was just being a Grampa to Benjamin, Noah, Samuel, Abigail, and Hannah. He was Grampa Extraordinaire, and he lit up with happiness whenever he was with any of them.

John was a devoted follower of Jesus Christ and his greatest desire was that God's love would be made manifest in his life. Which it was.

We love you a lot, we love you a lot, we love you a lot...

I'm Watching You

This is the song that John's brother David wrote and sang at the memorial service. He has now recorded it. It is beautiful. It does make me cry every time I hear it. I am not at the place, like the lyrics say that I won't cry so much but laugh instead. It almost seems that as the days go by, I cry more and more.

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John used to say all the time: "I love you more. I love you today, tomorrow and forever."

From Trav

so, i've been visting the john braun page quite regularily since... yeah. i still hate saying it. i still hate thinking that i played guitar at his funeral. i hate that word. it's ugly. it's so final. i didn't even use it at all until becky asked me if i could play. anyways, that's not what this is supposed to be about. this is supposed to be about memories i have about one of the greatest men to ever grace this earth. i shared a few on my blog on my rememberance day post, and i'll likely over lap that a bit, just with more detail. one of my favorite memories was when i gave him his shirt. i remember how hard mike, uncle john, and i laughed. it was a riot. i'll explain. i had just gotten married about two weeks before this happened. on our honeymoon we headed out west and made our way up and down vancouver island. in our first couple days on the island some friends of ours decided to take us out to do some salmon fishing. well, i won't bore you all with the fish story, although i'm sure uncle john would make me tell it, but i caught a 48 lb chinook salmon. which is a very large fish. knowing full well that this was the biggest fish that anybody i knew had caught, the very first thing i did was grab my cell phone. steve barry, who was also a friend of uncle john's and the guy who had taken us fishing, moved the boat so i could get a cell signal for the call. i dialed uncle john's number before anyone else's, knowing that he would be thrilled and choked at the same time that i caught this monster. i believe that the conversation went something like this.

uncle john (J):hello
trav (t): hey uncle john
j: hey trav
t: so, i think you're gonna hate me.
j:why in the world would i ever hate you trav?
t: because i just caught a 48 lb salmon
j: you did not. you're lying. steve put you up to this, didn't he?
t:nope, no lie, it's huge, biggest thing i've ever seen
j:you're so full of crap trav (all the while laughing of course)
t: i wishi i was uncle john, that would be the best joke ever, but i'm serious!
j: seriously? 50 lbs? no... i don't believe you
t: i'm gonna make you a shirt of this (laughing ensues)
j: no way, you're just gonna photo shop something. there's no way you caught a fish that big. (more laughing)
t: just you wait.

and that was the jist of the converstation... i had a heck of a time totally convincing him that i had landed a monster salmon. so anyways, we went and did all the stuff with the fish that we needed to do, proceeded to walmart to get a couple of white tshirts and headed back to steve and kathy's where we then made tshirts. two of them. one of them for me, with just a picture of the fish and me, the other with the same picture but with a few words added. the words, "my nephew, my hero". well, two weeks later we headed out to martensville, made a stop at his house, i knocked on the door (wearing my shirt of course). i had his shirt hidden at the time. i believe mike answered the door, and was pretty floored when he saw the picture on my shirt. uncle john then quickly made his way to the living room and also was aghast. i believe he mentioned something about wanting a picture of it. at this time i pulled out his shirt. and he laughed so hard. we all did. but the best part? he put it on. and he beamed with pride. from ear to ear. and it made me feel great. and that's what he was all about. he got that from grampa braun. he loved to make other people feel great. and he did a great job of it.