Sad

I really thought we'd bring you home Dad. I had this scared feeling all the time that this might be the last... Time at our house, time you drove away... All kinds of times. But I always told myself I was being silly, that we'd bring you home from Seattle. At least that.

And it bothers me so much that we didn't. I feel like somehow we let you down. I know you wanted to come home so badly. I know you stayed and fought for us. But I remember you crying at the hospital the day before you died when we talked about you coming home. And I know you'd tell me that I'm being ridiculous, feeling bad that you didn't get to come home one last time, when you're home forever now. It bothers me so much though.

All of that time bothers me, the time after you left for Seattle. It bothers me that sometimes I cut short our phone calls because I couldn't think of anything to say. And it bothers me that I didn't come out earlier because I didn't have enough money to do two trips. It bothers me that I didn't bring Ben, because I know you wanted to see him. It bothers me SO MUCH that Mom and I went grocery shopping the night I got to Seattle. I wasted that first day we got there, and after that you were so sick that I couldn't really talk to you. I want all that time back.

And I want to be able to bring you home. Even though your body came home I feel like we left you behind in Seattle. I wish I could go back there and get you. I want you back so badly.

I miss you. I want my dad.