Wishes

Hi Dad,

A year ago we said goodbye. You held Ben and Sam that morning for the last time. And you hugged me, I tried not to cry, but I did a little. You cupped the back of my head and pressed my face into your shoulder and you tried not to cry too. I remember. And I remember trying to tell myself it would be okay. That you would be back. And I watched you drive around the corner in your car for the last time.

Later I went into your house and when I walked in the door I saw your blanket and pillow still out on the couch, just the way you had left it, just the way it always was when you watched TV and fell asleep with the remote in your hand and an iced tea on the floor beside you... It was there waiting for when you came back, and I lay on it and cried. And then I carefully rolled it up and put it away. I told myself I was being dumb. That you would be back to use it, and it wouldn't matter if dog hair got all over it and it had to be washed. But I still rolled it up and put it away. I have it in my room now. I stole it from poor Mom, and I have it in my room still rolled up.

Passing by this day feels a little like I'm losing you again. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just knowing that I'm a whole year away from my last happy times with you. Maybe it's seeing the folders of pictures of you getting further and further away from the new folders I put on my computer. Maybe it's just me, being over-emotional and dumb, as usual.

But I ache for just one more hug. I hurt more every day it seems. Every day that goes by without you calling to eat cucumbers on the phone to bug me, or listen to Ben's latest story, or complain about how I never want to talk to you, I'm always calling for Mom.

Last night I dreamed you came home and we all went camping with you. And we were SO excited that you were back. I hated waking up this morning. I just miss you. In so many ways.

I wish you could be here so I could ask you for advice, and you could make me laugh, and you could take care of Mom, and you could be my boys' hero, and you could spoil princess Hannah, and you could go fishing with Ang, and be the guy who Jonathan and Mikey could always rely on. I wish you were here and we didn't have to face a reunion without you and we could look forward to being with our family the way we used to. I wish you could come home for the weekend the way you did in my dream. Even if it meant waking up the next day to realize you weren't here again, I wish you could come home for the weekend.

Could you maybe ask God if that would be okay? Just this once?

I think tonight I'll unroll your blanket and pillow for a while.